Struggling (and my daily gratification).

I'm really struggling right now. We are so deep in a hole, financially, that we will never get out of it. And, when I say that, I truly mean it. Sure, we'll be debt free as far as credit cards and car payments in a few years, but the student loans are there for 30 years and it is impossible to meet those payments. Right now, our monthly payment is more than 50% of our monthly income. The phone is ringing off the hook from Sallie Mae. I've made small payments (huge for us, but nowhere near what they want), but it's not good enough. We've had 12 months of forbearances, total. We're entitled to 12 more. The girl that called tonight (one of 8) sent me another forbearance application. We have to pay $50 to get that taken care of. We can't continue to do this; interest racks up each month and we now owe the equivalent of a home. I lay in bed every night tossing and turning because I just don't see an end to this. I've told my husband many times that I secretly wish something awful would happen to me because they'd be so much better off without me. The life insurance would take care of it all and allow them a comfortable cushion. Obviously, I'm not talking suicide as they'd not get a penny and would be worse off. I just honestly don't see a way out of it. I am so lost and feel like I'm struggling to keep my head above the water. We're going to get to a point where they garnish our wages, I'm afraid. And, if that happens and they actually get 50%? We won't be able to raise the kids... I've talked to an attorney and it's impossible to file bankruptcy on student loans since they changed the laws a few years back. And, we don't qualify for bankruptcy on the other stuff because we aren't that much in debt. Seriously, we have one credit card and a car loan. The other two loans are medical stuff from what insurance refused to cover. It makes me sick to my stomach. :(

On a positive note, since I said I'd do it, I do have my gratitude for the day. Sorry for the bummer above, but I need a place to get it out and since I have family and close friends that read this, I know I'll have some support, which I need right now.

I dropped J off at work today and headed down I95 to Woodbridge to go to Ikea. I needed to return something for my mom and get her birthday gift (my sil and I are going in on it together because we're all poor). Well, we got there at 9:20 and they don't open their doors until 9:30. So, the kids and I ran around and wasted a few minutes until the doors opened. Turns out, they open their doors, but you can't do anything! The top floor is open, but everything we needed was on the lower level. They don't open the registers, the return/exchange section, or the lower level for shopping until 10:00! We wandered the upper level for 5 minutes and I figured I'd get the kids breakfast in the cafe. As we were wandering, I had the kids in the cart. They were in the main basket (please don't crucify me for that; they don't have larger carts and I needed a cart for the stuff I bought). In the main basket, they were both standing and holding on to the edge, facing away from me. At one point, Ellie turned to Ethan and wrapped her arms around him and said, "I do, I do!" (Ellie's way of saying, "I love you." I always say, "I love you. I do, I do.") He looked at her and gave her a big smile. :) When we got to the cafe and sat down for breakfast, she proceeded to hug me 5 different times. Several people approached us and commented on how loving she was. Each time she wrapped her arms around me, she would pat my back and say, "I do, I do."

I am the luckiest woman in the world. I am grateful that I was blessed with these two magnificent children who, despite their firey tempers and willful personalities, are simply amazing.