Figgy and The Professor

Sensory Processing Disorder

2011-07-08T09:01:00.003-04:00

Since I've been gone, we've had a lot of changes in our world. Elizabeth (Figgy) was diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder. I'd try to explain what it is, but I'd be here all day. Here is a website that will give you more info, if you're interested. She was diagnosed back in January 2011 by a developmental pediatrician and later an occupational therapist. We took Figgy in to see the developmental ped at our ped's office because of concerns about self-regulation and other issues that were arising in preschool. Figgy could not sit still, was not building peer relationships, was doing lots of spinning and hiding in tight spaces, not to mention a whole laundry list of other behaviors. She is unable to use her hands for the most common of tasks (eating, arts & crafts, tying shoes, buttoning her shirts/pants and zipping. She is a sensory seeker. What that basically means is Ellie loves to be touched and loves to touch. She craves the feeling of being hugged deeply. She seeks dangerous behavior for the rush. When she was 18 months old, she was climbing things like the entertainment center to jump from the top onto the couch. No, I'm not kidding. She was climbing out of her crib by 15 months. These were all signs that we didn't see. We didn't know what SPD was.

Here we are, 6 months after the dx and Figgy is thriving. She attends private occupational therapy once a week for the SPD and we have just recently gotten her into a county program called Child Find. We have her first meeting for an IEP next Monday and I am excited about the possibilities ahead of her. It has been my goal and #1 priority to get as large a "team" assembled as possible for her and we are well on our way to doing just that. After all, isn't our responsibility as parents to provide every opportunity for success in our children? Ellie will succeed and she will flourish, despite this diagnosis.

I'm back!

2011-07-08T08:54:00.002-04:00

Just a short hello from my world. Ethan, Elizabeth and Meghan continue to grow like weeds and learn more and more everyday. I continue to be tested and many times I've failed these tests. I've been hard on myself, as I should be, but each morning I rise with the best of intentions and a new lease on the day. Often times, I have to start my day over. My patience with the kids is short and I need to fix that. I've often heard that when our patience is short, that's God's way of showing us that we need to work on it. So, he's sending me lots of practice. :)

Short update

2009-10-25T01:00:00.004-04:00

Ah, where do I begin?

We are having some real behavioral issues at our house as of late. I broke down and called our ped to get her advice and we'll be talking on Wednesday. Ethan has really taken a disliking of Meghan and it concerns me. We're not talking about the usual display of jealousy, either. We're talking physical harm in some cases. Meghan is crawling (has been since just after our trip home from Ocean City) and wants so desperately to be a part of their playtime. She adores Ethan. Really. She watches him so intently and just lights up whenever he walks into the room. She always smiles at him. So, since she wants to be near him, she crawls to wherever he is in the room and wants to play with whatever he plays with. This does not sit well with The Crabby Professor. Meghan is not allowed to play with ANYTHING. He goes as far as taking *her* toys away from her. Even if he's playing in the hallway (to get as far away from her as he can), if she crawls over to the blocks, he is running into the room screaming at her and he'll quickly snatch it out of her hands. If she tries to go towards his precious cars, he freaks out. If she plays with any of her own toys, he freaks out. It's really getting to be an issue for us. In addition to all of this, he is becoming increasingly physical with her. The last event was Friday when he lept across the floor and landed on her head. And, no, it was not accidental. So, I made a point to spend some one-on-one time with him today and, wouldn't you know it? He was an angel. I enjoyed every moment with him and he was just a pleasant child. Elizabeth was also a pure joy to be with this afternoon. And, of course, the moment we put them together this evening with Meghan? Match, accelerant, and a spark.....

I have tried everything I can possibly think of to resolve this. I have even sat him down and quietly explained that Meghan loves him and looks up to him, that she wants to be just like her big brother... I even resorted (after the leaping head incident) to giving Meghan his precious blankie because he hurt her. I've spanked, I've whispered, I've seperated, I've put Meghan's toys into a special bucket, I've put his toys into a special bucket, I've cried, I've begged, I've bribed. Nothing.

The Professor also has an appointment this week because he snores. Not only does he snore, but he really, really snores. I can hear him in our bedroom at night. So, chances are pretty likely that he'll be having his adnoids removed in the near future. They both have dark circles under their eyes, which I attribute to allergies of some sort. I have them (always have), my brother has them (again, always has) and the twins have always have them.

Miss M has two full teeth, now, and is working on three more. She weighed in at 16.10 at her 6 month appointment and is growing like a weed.

Aaaaand, speaking of Miss M, she is up for her 1:30 feed so I'm cutting this short.

(I'm up late because we went to see Paranormal Activity tonight. Great movie!)

Carnivale Mask GIVEAWAY!!!!

2009-10-01T11:14:00.000-04:00

Carnivale Mask GIVEAWAY!!!!

Hail to the Redskins!

2009-09-21T22:34:00.002-04:00

It's football season. In true "obsessed" daddy fashion, Jason has taught the kids how to sing the Redskins song.

In case you need translation:

Hail to the Redskins!
Hail victory!
Braves on the warpath!
Fight for old D.C.!

2009-09-13T23:35:00.002-04:00

Our first night of vacation at the beach house. They were exhausted.

Yet again, exhausted. On our way to Bethany Beach from Ocean City.

Meghan's first day at the beach and she loved it!

The baby Terp fan.

A quick recap of our vacation:
I got to sleep on what could possibly have been a mattress full of boulders on the bottom bunk. Why? Because the E's would not sleep in a room by themselves and we tried, on the first night to sleep together. All four of us. In a queen bed. Then, Meghan woke up and wanted to nurse. In bed. With the other kids. I quickly realized if I wanted any sort of sleep, I'd be in the third bedroom with M. Jason slept in the second bedroom with the E's for the rest of the vacation. Day #2 allowed for some decent weather, albeit mostly cloudy. We were blessed with two hours of beach time before the tropical storm hit. Day #3, 4, 5 and 6 were spent dodging raindrops as we attempted to keep the kids busy. We managed to get a few hours of light drizzle on the boardwalk and took the kids on a surrey ride. They loved it! I'll be looking for a bike trailer on craigslist soon. Day # 5 found us hunkered in the house in the evening, watching the streets flood and the surf get closer and closer...almost too close for comfort. I managed to get in some shopping (major event for me as I detest shopping) at the tax-free outlets. I spent exactly $100.00 and the kids are set for fall and winter clothing. Go, me! Our last day (and check-out day) found us waking to a beautiful, sunny day. Go figure. So, rather than packing up and heading home immediately, we headed for the boardwalk and the kids rode the rides and we soaked up some rays as they played on the beach before heading home. Never have I been so happy to fall into my bed. We successfully avoided packing the entire house and, all-in-all, we had a wonderful trip.

My life is good.

2009-09-01T13:37:00.001-04:00

Prayers/Positive Thoughts

2009-08-19T13:49:00.003-04:00

The Fetters family could use all the prayers/positive thoughts/positive vibes they can get right now. Vicky is my best friend and this is her father....

http://www.abc2news.com/news/local/story/Police-Identify-Victim-in-Deadly-Hit-And-Run/y-fg7tDCWUSFPRzaQ-JuAg.cspx

2009-08-04T14:34:00.002-04:00

(I think I'm screwed if she's already flipping me off.)

(Enjoying our Saturday morning at the farmers market.)

(Enjoying a milkshake after a long morning at the farmers market!)

(A rare, sweet moment between my angels.)

God has been good to us.

On a funny note, I had a dream that I had a wild affair with Gene Simmons from KISS. Go ahead. Laugh.

On a funnier note, I was sitting with Meghan a little while ago and she was grunting her little grunts (we all know what that means). I suddenly realized that the sensation of warmth that I felt running down my leg probably wasn't a good thing. Yeah. Not a good thing.

Hello!

2009-07-25T23:52:00.005-04:00

Busy, busy, busy! We've had a lot going on the last month or so and it seems like I never have a chance to sit down and update.

My youngest brother was here visiting from Oregon for two weeks. I can't believe he is 19 years old. It seems like just yesterday he was sitting in my lap drinking a bottle and we were hopping on the plane to move to Japan. He's a young man, now. While here, we took a trip to the zoo and National Aquarium where he witnessed just how difficult it can be to corral two 2.5 year olds while wearing a newborn. They did beautifully at the zoo but I do have to say that my daughter is a free spirited child. There is not a sense of fear in her and she has no time to listen to mommy.

Trying to get them to both look at the camera at the same time has proven to be a task greater than finding the Lochness Monster or Bigfoot.

The aquarium was so hot and so crowded. We got a ticket for the 1100 entrance time and the kids loved it! There was great excitement and they are still talking about how much fun they had. I'm going to attempt a trip during the week to the National Harbor Aquarium closer to us.

I wish I had more pictures to share but this camera that was given to us as a gift is horrible (Nikon CoolPix). I'm going to go dig out the broken camera (Kodak something-or-other) and just use that. I think we'll use part of our tax return and invest in a good camera.

We've been spending a great amount of time in the backyard now that we have a new patio set with umbrella and some flowers out there. In the next few weeks we'll be having the old fence replaced and it'll be much nicer.

We've also found our own little private park up the road and spend at least two or three mornings each week there. It's quiet, tucked away and there are picnic tables, a walking path and places to bbq. There is only ever one or two other kids there, but we are usually by ourselves. On one side there is a tot lot for the younger kids and the other side is for the bigger kids (mine consider themselves bigger kids, of course). We love it.

In other news, my brother got a dog! His wife finally allowed him the one thing he has wanted most of all for several years and the puppy is adorable.

Meghan is growing by leaps and bounds. The difference between her and the twins is astounding. I can only explain this by saying I am nursing her and she is very much a boob girl. She will not tolerate anyone else attempting to soothe her and that can wear on me after a particularly rough day. She has a wicked sense of humor just like her brother and sister did (and do). Her laughter is contagious.

I have to share with you a few finds that I simply love! The first has been a great one because it has helped us to prevent sticky spills and wasted apple juice. I must preface this by saying my kids do not drink much juice. It is for special occasions or the occasional birthday party. It has been a life saver, though.

The Juice Pal!

The next item is one that we're ordering this week. My kids love, love, love popcorn but will not leave the kernels alone. I'll let you know what I think of it.

The Kernel Katcher Popcorn Bowl!

Discipline.

2009-07-07T12:45:00.004-04:00

Disciplining twins is an endurance sport. It should be an Olympic event.

Blood. Everywhere.

2009-06-29T14:58:00.004-04:00

This cannot be normal. My two year old son has deep scratches in his little cheeks. He has fingernail marks on his arms. My two year old daughter has a bruise on her cheek and a few on her head.

The fighting is out of control.

We're not talking about your normal sibling rivalry, anymore. I have to keep Figgy's fingernails trimmed every other day because she is scarring her brother. The Professor uses his cars and trucks as rocket propelled weapons on his sister. There is some sort of physical violence occurring in this house every single day and I don't know what to do about it anymore.

Today, the inevitable happened and I had the phone in hand to call 911.

They were fighting, as usual, and I was directing them to clean up toys so that we could go outside. My son started toward the side table to clean up his toys. Little Miss M was laying on the floor by the table with me laying next to her. As he started walking towards us, my daughter ran behind him and shoved him so hard that he nearly flew across the floor before smashing, face first, into the table. Gut wrenching screams echoed through the house. I lept to my feet and scooped my son up, realizing that he had also landed on the baby. With my son in one arm and the baby in the other, I ran to the kitchen to assess the damage. Blood was everywhere and it was oozing out of his mouth. My initial fear was that he had pushed a tooth up into his gum or even lost a tooth. I couldn't assess the damage, initially, because the blood was so dark and there was so much of it. Miss M eventually calmed down and I laid her in her car seat so that I could focus on The Professor. It took forever to stop the bleeding and I couldn't decide whether this warranted a 911 call. I should say this all happened in the span of about 10 seconds, though it felt like an eternity. In reality, I think I had the bleeding under control within three minutes and had put the phone down to focus on him. Once the bleeding was under control, I was able to pull his swollen lip up to see that his frenulum labii superioris (the flap of skin on the inside of the upper lip that attaches to the gum) was torn. His little lips were so swollen that he looked like a much thinner, younger and white version of Fat Albert.

I don't know what to do anymore, though, in all seriousness. The fighting is out of control and I really don't think it's normal.

Two minutes...

2009-06-26T21:25:00.002-04:00

So, the popular phrase in our house right now is, "two minutes, okay?". Two minutes for time-outs, two minutes for mommy to take a time-out, two minutes for a potty break, two minutes until we get there...(you get the point).

In return, we hear the same from the kids. Today, for example:

Mommy: "Okay, guys. We're leaving the playground in 5 minutes." (We had been there for 2.5 hours.)
Figgy: "No, mommy. Two minutes, okaaaaaaaay?"

We got home and it was nap time.

Mommy: "Okay, guys. Let's change diapers and head upstairs."
Figgy: "Mommy, I'm busy. Two minutes, okaaaaaaaaay?"

Tonight, at bath time, Jason was corralling the kids.

Daddy: "Okay guys, it's bath time. Let's go upstairs."
Ethan (who was sitting and reading a book): "No, daddy. I'm read[ing] book. Two minutes, okaaaaay?"

I love this phase. It's all about negotiation. :)

Potty training and big kid beds.

2009-06-20T23:55:00.002-04:00

Potty training sucks. Truly. I spent the entire day with Figgy trying, begging, cheering, leading by example...every 15 minutes I put her on the potty and do you know that little snot head peed in between sets? I left for an hour and a half to go to the grocery store, taking Miss Meghan with me so that Jason could focus on Figgy, and she peed while I was gone...but not in the potty. Not once today did she go in the big girl potty. The Professor? Yeah, well, he screamed and kicked because he wanted to go on the "big girl potty", too. Every time I put him on it? He screamed and arched his back and even hit me at one point.

You moms who are doing this potty thing make me jealous. Your kiddos seem to take to it like fish to water. This sucks!

We're struggling with sleep issues right now, too. Figgy has had a crib tent for a year now, I believe. She started climbing out of her crib just before 18 months and destroyed everything in her path. Hurricane Figgy. One of the dads from my local PoM's group sold us a crib tent for cheap and it saved our lives. Ethan never showed an interest in climbing out of his crib and I thanked my higher power for that. Well, sometime last week he decided he could get out of his crib on his own. Several weeks ago he started having serious sleep issues and would put himself into a full blown panic attack before bed. He quickly realized he could climb out of his crib to come find me and that's the end of the crib. In the last 48 hours, he has slept no more than a combined 14 hours. He will not nap. He climbs out of his crib and runs around his room. We put them to bed at 8:00 and he stays up (and keeps his sister up, in the process) until 10:30. He woke up earlier this week at 4:30 in the morning and would not go back to sleep. It's miserable. I'm miserable. All this time I've been of the mindset that I'd just shut the door and let him do his thing because, after all, he'll go to sleep when he's tired...right? Nope. So, I spend several hours (with Jason) going into their room and hollering at him to get back in his crib. Take off the crib rail to create the toddler bed and you get the same result. He will not stay put.

It's midnight and he's up. Meghan will be up in 20 minutes, or so. Mommy is going to lose her mind.

Thankfully, I found another crib tent for $30 and I'll be swiping that sucker up tomorrow morning. I know, I know...he's almost 2.5 years old and should be in a bed. Unfortunately, I need my sanity at this point more than he needs to be in a bed and we'll deal with the other stuff once I've got my wits about me (give me another three or four months, will ya?).

2009-06-12T23:09:00.006-04:00

Hell has frozen over. The Pittsburgh Penguins have won The Stanley Cup. Crosby has The Cup before Ovie. I am in shock. I've informed my husband that we will not be attending any games next season when we're playing them. On a normal day, a majority of Pens fans are rude, obnoxious and violent. After they've beat us in the playoffs and go on to win it all? Forget it. The last thing I need is to be carted off to jail because I've punched someone in the face at a hockey game. I'm passionate about my sport, what can I say?

On to a better subject, shall we?

We had the kids pictures taken last weekend. I had hoped for a great shot of all three kids for both my obstetrician and for our wall. This is all we got:

Ethan had the mother of all meltdowns in the studio. My preference would have been to have a location photographer come to us, but I can't find anyone here in the area that does that and doesn't charge the equivalent of a college tuition. Ellie cooperated for the most part, until the clothing change (we had another set of outfits for the 4th of July). These are the best shots we got and ended up purchasing:

A few other shots (not purchased, but on the disc we received for free)...

Such a lovely face! LOL!

The only way I can describe this is to say they look like aliens that have landed and are checking out the newest life form that they've discovered. LOL!

If only Ellie had smiled in this one... :(

Summer fun!

2009-06-02T21:43:00.005-04:00

I have been having bittersweet moments with the twins as of late. On one hand, I'm so excited that we've reached this stage of independence. They don't need me to help them up the ladder at the park. They don't need me to stand at the bottom of the slide, arms outstretched to catch them as they come barreling down at full speed, head first. They sit on the steps when we come home to take off their shoes. They remember to put their cups on the table instead of throwing them on the floor. On the other hand, though, they don't need me to stand at the bottom of the slide...they don't need me to help them up the ladder... I know, I know...I have Meghan and she'll need all of this in no time. But, the E's were my first loves. They're the ones that consumed my heart for two years. They are my babies.

My babies are no longer babies, though. We're venturing into the land of potties and underwear. The Professor has begun announcing that he has to go potty, so we're going to start with him. I know the belief that boys are much harder than girls, but we're going to give it a go, anyway.

We've recently discovered our backyard. Sad, I know. But, you must understand that we live in a large townhouse and in order to get to the backyard, you must go through the basement. Granted, it's a finished basement, but it still creeps me out. It is still covered with the old dark paneling and none of these townhomes were insulated in the basements. So, you have the cinder blocks and firewall, covered by paneling. No drywall, no insulation, nothing. It's cold down there, even in the summer. The fence is falling apart and the neighbor has vines growing all over their side of the fence on the left, so the fence has rotted and has fallen down. We've propped it back up and rigged it as best we can, but it still looks terrible. The concrete slab that serves as a patio is crumbling and has cracked. For some reason, when these homes were built, the concrete was ATTACHED to the foundation of the house. So, as the foundation has settled over the last 30 years, the concrete has cracked and is now slanted down. When it rains, that whole patio is under water and there is moss all over the place. There are no flowers back there. Only a giant azalea bush and some hostas. I've been playing out front with the kids for several months and I hate it because they both run in different directions and I end up yelling because they don't listen. It's not fun for any of us. So, last weekend I went and picked up some outside toys and set up their Kangaroo climber and slide outside. They've got t-ball and other balls, trucks and a few other items. This weekend, I'm picking up a pool and some plants and flowers. We'll do the best we can to make it feel comfy out there for all of us. I enjoy it because I can leave Meghan sleeping in the living room and spend time outside with the kids. Even better? They can't go anywhere so I'm not yelling to come back! We're really enjoying each other lately and I've noticed a huge change in behavior now that we're outside all day.

Meghan is growing by leaps and bounds. I'm sure my MOM friends will have a hard time believing this, but she is 10x more difficult and demanding than the twins ever were. She only sleeps for 2 hours at a time and screams from 6:00pm until 8:00pm every single night. She is inconsolable for that two hour period. We get small moments of reprieve if we take her outside and walk around the cul-de-sac. If she is not being held, she is miserable. If she is not attached to my breast, she is miserable. Even if she's not hungry, she just wants to suck and fall asleep attached to me. I do get a two hour window in the morning from about 9 to 11 or 10 to 12. She'll sleep in her swing while I play outside with the twins. Logistically, it is a nightmare and I'm failing big time trying to get all three of us ready in the morning and get Jason to work. As a result, he is taking the car most days to work and we stay here. If I had a chance to plan this, I would have waited another few years before getting pregnant again. I can't believe I'm saying that, either, since we went through so much just to get pregnant with the twins. Never in a million years did I think I could get pregnant AND sustain a pregnancy on my own. Who knew?!? She is a beautiful baby, though, and has begun smiling and staying awake a little longer in between sleep stretches. I love having this opportunity, despite all the rest, to bond with a single baby. In that regard, it is SO much easier. It's a piece of cake getting one baby ready to go to the doctor, running errands, etc... Mom and I went out on Saturday to do some shopping and I took Meghan. I can't even begin to describe how much easier it was. And the bonding is much stronger with her. I mourn that opportunity with the twins.

I am an eternally blessed woman.

...

2009-05-19T22:32:00.004-04:00

I had a whole book to write as an update, but I hear Meghan freaking out downstairs and know that Jason will be running up here with her in a second. So...here are some pictures until I have a moment. (HA!)

The obligatory Bayleigh and baby shot. She's such a good dog. We never had to use those stupid mittens with the twins, but I can't keep up with Meghan's nails!

Baby Meghan (aka: Gummie - Figgy's new nickname for her new sister.)

Figgy and The Professor before their cousin's 1st Holy Communion.

The Professor snuck away to eat his corn-on-the-cob in peace. We had a barbecue after Mikayla's 1st Communion this weekend and he kept stealing everyone's corn!

Mikayla and Figgy (with a friend of Mikayla's) had a good time on the trampoline.

Funnies

2009-05-10T22:28:00.003-04:00

Two funnies from today and then I'm going to bed...

We were driving to pick up lunch today and a truck pulled out from a side road about 1/4 mile away. From the back of the car I hear Ethan scream, "WATCH OUT! TRUUUCK!"

Ellie's new favorite comment in the car (have I told you all this? I forget.) is: "C'MON, person, MOVE!" Gee...I wonder where she gets that from?

We were sitting outside this evening waiting for our table to be ready at dinner. The kids were running up and down the sidewalk and Ellie noticed a particularly striking young man with blond, curly hair. He must have been about 20 months old, maybe? She ran up to him and his mom and dad and let out a very enthusiastic, "HI!" before wrapping her arms around him and kissing him on the cheek. His very own personal welcoming committee... My husband was mortified and my mom and I could barely contain ourselves. We were laughing hysterically, right along with the little boy's mom.

2009-05-09T11:16:00.001-04:00

If you're anything like me, you gave up that mommy purse for a much more practical diaper bag and are longing for that little bit of style back in your life. :)

2009-05-02T09:09:00.003-04:00

You know, I've spent my life questioning the idea of God. I was raised Catholic and felt that good old Catholic guilt for most of my childhood. I walked away from any idea of organized religion for many years because I felt abandoned by this God that everyone talked about. It wasn't until I met my husband and we decided we wanted to start a family that I began thinking about what sort of life I wanted to offer my family. We had just moved to a new apartment and there was a brand new Catholic church up the street. We figured we'd try it out, what did we have to lose?

The connection was immediate for me. The priest was a younger man and the congregation was fairly young, too. Lots of families with young children. We continued going and eventually registered as parishoners. We became active in the community and enjoyed our newly found relationships with the people in the parish. We were regular, contributing members for five years. Then, we had our twins. We continued attending Mass but, at some point along the way, had to stop contributing monetarily. We haven't contributed in two years. I should also say that our favorite priest stepped down as head of the parish and asked to be transferred to a smaller parish because he was feeling overwhelmed with the responsibilities of money collection and paying off the new mortgage for the church...

I called the parish office last week to arrange for Meghan's baptism because her Godmother was in town and I figured it would be the perfect time for us to do this. I was not prepared for what I was about to hear. Apparently, they keep a record of the registered members and how much they contribute, monetarily, to the parish. The woman on the phone informed me that we could not have Meghan baptized there. I asked why and she informed me that their records indicated we had not been parish members for two years. I informed her that she was incorrect, that we were regular members but had not contributed because of finances and moving. She was silent for a few moments and then asked where we moved to. I told her. Then, she responded with some deal about how our registration had faltered and that we'd have to re-register but that the new parish priest would not allow it. I asked why. She said that he did not allow young families with children that lived outside of parish boundaries to register because he didn't believe they'd remain active and actually show up for Mass.

I am speechless. It all comes down to money. It doesn't matter that we've been parishoners for well over 5 years, now.

I have to tell you that I am feeling greatly disenchanted with the Catholic faith and all things God right now. The last time I checked, Jesus didn't charge his followers for their baptisms. I've been feeling as though I've been forgotten, lately, and this just seals the deal. :(

2009-04-28T22:45:00.003-04:00

I don't know why this is so hard for me to admit this time around, but I'm really struggling with this whole postpartum depression idea. I had it pretty badly with the twins and went to see my primary care provider early on. She's a mom of twins, as well, and knows all too well the individual issues we MoMs deal with that singleton moms never experience. I clearly remember breaking down in her office and begging her to help me. I was overwhelmed with extreme guilt because, after all, I had been to hell and back trying to have my kids. How could a woman who has spent her entire life only wanting to have children possibly feel the way I was feeling? We had sought out the medical community to have a child after a devastating loss and 12 years of being told I'd never have kids. We prayed with our priest. We made bargains with God. We promised. We begged. We cried. So, how is it after carrying those two precious babies in my body for so long, that I could actually feel the way I was feeling? Of course, I knew the answer. I'm a psychology major. I was premed. I know the logical answer to the question...but that was other women.

So, how is it that after two years of successfully raising twins, that I find myself back in this position? I knew what to expect. I planned it out, perfectly. I prepared myself and asked for help from friends and family so that I could avoid this.

Yet, here I am. Again.

I'm feeling hopeless. Agitated. Anxious. Angry. My thoughts are irrational. I can't sleep. I have moments of suicidal thoughts. I truly believe my family would be better off without me. Then...a moment of clairy takes over and I realize I'm being completely irrational.

My husband stayed home with me the first week. Bless his heart, he tried his best. Men just don't understand, and he's no exception. He tried, he really did. But, how can you possibly understand unless you've been there? So, my mom stayed home last week and I can't possibly begin to explain the relief I felt, instantly. I slept. I nursed. I enjoyed my two year olds because someone else was paying attention to them. My stepmom arrived on Saturday and I know she has the best of intentions, but she isn't being a world of help. It's nice to see her and to visit with her, but she came out here with the intention of helping and hasn't done that. She brought my aunt with her and they show up to the house around 11:00 in the morning. I've explained that I need help early in the morning, but apparently the traffic is just not ideal for them. So, rather than showing up to actually help me while I try and adjust and figure out a schedule and routine, they show up an hour before lunch and sit on the couch while I prepare lunch, feed the kids, change diapers, feed Meghan, and get them in bed. And then, of course, I feel the need to keep them company. So, instead of napping like I really should, I am sitting downstairs with them. Add to that the fact that she smokes like a chimney, I'm buiding big resentments because I don't want her holding Meghan while she reeks of smoke. As a result, I'm limiting her contact with the baby.

So, here I am. I'm 18 days postpartum and I'm exhausted and finding myself back in the same spot I was two years ago. I feel like I should be able to pull myself up by the bootstraps and move on. I feel like I should be ready to go and have everything figured out by now. After all, I've been doing this on my own everyday for two years.

I feel like a tremendous failure tonight.

Nearly a week, now.

2009-04-16T23:03:00.002-04:00

Things are going beautifully here. I feel like I don't have much time to sit down and respond to e-mails, but I hope you understand. :)

Meghan is simply a marvelous baby. She's definitely a most demanding baby, more so than I remember either of the twins being, but it's okay. We are still dealing with Figgy and her mommy phase. I cannot keep her away from M. Not that I'm trying to, mind you, but let's remember that we're dealing with a 2 year old that doesn't realize she's being rougher than she should be. So, the hugs turn out to be squeezes. There is such a fascination with her when she sleeps and that seems to be the time when Figgy wants to be near her most. What we have always known is that we will not keep them apart and away from one another because I don't ever want any of them to feel like they're less important. Now that I'm feeling better, physically, I'm quite content with allowing Figgy on my lap while I'm holding Meghan or feeding her. Neither kids understand the concept of breastfeeding and are constantly bringing their sippy cups over with their milk in it. It's cute. The Professor is afraid of Meghan, I believe. He constantly talks about her, comes over and says hello, makes sure to tell me when she's crying and she is the first person he asks about when he wakes up. BUT...he will not touch her, hold her, kiss her, or sit on my lap while I'm holding her.

We have a weight check scheduled for tomorrow with a bili check as she was slightly jaundiced on Monday at her appointment. I think I mentioned that I simply love their pediatrician. She walked in and gave me a big hug and then sat and just held Meghan while we talked about the delivery and how the twins are handling having her here. She talked about possibly supplementing formula to get Meghan past the jaundice and could sense that I felt disappointed with that option as I really wanted to be successful with the breastfeeding this time around. So, she jumped back in with other options such as walking her outside in the sunlight (among a few other ideas). She called later that night (Monday) just to check in with us. We're really lucky to have such a great practice, especially after the disaster of a practice we were with for the twins' first 6 weeks.

The Professor and Figgy have reached a new phase. They are parroting everything we say. Every question is repeated. Every word is repeated. The Professor can count to 6 on his own while counting his cars. Figgy has finally taken to sitting still for a few minutes to play with something...anything. LOL! I'm just happy she will sit still for a moment. :)

I have always made sure they make eye contact with us when we are giving instructions or disciplining them. My phrase of choice has always been, "_________(Ethan/Ellie) look at me..." and then I will tell them what I need them to understand. This way, I know that they're not preoccupied by something else. Well, Ellie has decided this is her new catch phrase. Meghan was crying the other night and Ellie went up to her and said, "Meghan, look at me....SHHHHHH!" We were outside for a walk today and the kids were getting close to the creek at the bottom of the hill by our house. My husband was down with them, but I kept saying, "Hey, guys...be careful!" Ellie turned to me at some point and said, "Mommy. Look at me. Caaaareful!" My daughter has a sense of humor. Oh goody.

Well, that's it for me, folks. I've topped the kiddo off and tucked her in, so I think I'm going to go curl up and hope for a few hours of sleep. I've made my way upstairs, finally, and will try to sleep in my own bed with my husband. I've been sleeping downstairs in the living room with Meghan because it was too painful to sleep laying down. Let's see how this works!

Baby Meghan is here!

2009-04-12T23:01:00.003-04:00

Meghan? Where did that come from? We're not sure, either. :) I know we talked about it at one point in time, but it just wasn't one of our "that's it!" names.

I started with minor contractions last Monday (April 6) that were approximately 15 minutes apart, but not patterned. I had my peri appointment and then my ob appointment that day and my doc told me to call once they were patterned and a few minutes closer together. I spent the week feeling weird, not sure how else to describe it. Thursday, I was really off kilter and postponed my morning trip to Target with the kids after my appointment. The baby looked good that morning and the bpp was great. I went home and just took it easy the rest of the day. By afternoon, I had a deep desire to get my errands run and get the pantry stocked with snacks for the kids. Picked up my husband from work, along with my mom, and we ran to Target. Coming out of the store, I turned to my husband and said, "I think I either just involuntarily wet my pants or I'm leaking fluid." Either way, we knew dinner needed to be eaten so we headed over to Red Robin and got the kids something to eat. Midway through dinner, the contractions picked up hard and steady. Timing-wise, I was measuring 12 minutes, so we headed home and got everything taken care of. I climbed into the shower and wasn't sure if I should call my doc. I gave it another 24 minutes, then called her and she wanted me to come into l&d to be looked at. Once I got there, we all started chatting and they hooked me up to the monitors. After about 45 minutes of gabbing, the nurse checked on the contractions and wanted to know why I wasn't saying anything about them. Turns out, I wasn't feeling them. I was feeling the stuff that was off the chart, but not the basic ones that were measuring 4-6 minutes apart. LOL! Turns out my pain tolerance is higher than I originally thought it was. Between that, the slightly elevated blood pressure and the low-grade temp, it was decided we would go ahead and deliver. I was in the operating room within 30 minutes with my bp crashing and Jason being told to wait outside. Once that was controlled, he was allowed back in and the delivery began. All told, it took an extradoridary effort to get her out. She was so big and comfortable that they had to use a vaccum to get her out - during a c-section!

Megan was born shortly after 1:00am and weighed in at 9lbs. 6oz. and was 21" long. :)

We're home after talking my doc into letting us come home a day early (Sunday vs. Monday) and I'm feeling an unusual peace. This one newborn thing is a piece of cake, I must say. She is a nursing champ, which shocks me because it didn't work out with the twins. It's all a very new experience for me; for us. We're enjoying every moment of it and feel tremendously blessed tonight.

Quicky...

2009-03-29T00:15:00.003-04:00

Thank God we didn't get our puppy because we needed/wanted a dog for protection. As you can see, she takes her guard duties very seriously. :) (This is how we find her 9 times out of 10 when we come downstairs in the morning.) I love her so much. She is as much a part of this family as the children are and I honestly believe she enriches our lives more than we could ever hope for without her.

Ellie has discovered (rediscovered, I should say) her ballerina tutu. I pulled it out of the closet and it has become part of her regular attire. Little man is currently obsessed with the play Dirt Devil vacuum that I purchased mid-year last season. They were having a grand time this afternoon and it was such a pleasant surprise to catch this shot.

No baby news. Docs are estimating (and re-measured five times on Thursday) our newest addition weighs in at 9 lbs. Highest estimates are 9.13. Lowest is 9.00. We all know how much stock I take in those measurements...But, I'm terrified that these estimates are going to sway my doctor's view of a VBAC. The specialist has said it is absolutely 100% impossible for me to have a VBAC. My thoughts on this are that these specialists are men who couldn't handle the challenges our bodies face in childbirth. I will fight for my VBAC.

Time flies!

2009-03-24T21:27:00.003-04:00

Where has the time gone? I tell ya, we have been so busy around here getting ready for the newest addition.

The kids are doing marvelously. They continue to push boundaries and question everything. Elizabeth is a smaller version of me when I was 17. My mom tells me I was more like Ethan as a child in the sense that I was very laid back, quick to learn, and listened well (for the most part). Elizabeth is what I eventually became in high school when I learned that I had a voice and liked to use it. LOL! She does not have the time to sit still for anything, other than a quick book, which she really does thoroughly enjoy. As a result, she's not one to sit and learn while mommy points out the words or colors. Ethan has mastered his colors and tells you the color of everything around him. Elizabeth has mastered pink and black, but that's about all she wants to talk about. Ethan can spell TRUCKS and TOES from memory. He does this thing that I'm convinced is "picking" through the alphabet in his head. I'm not sure how else to explain it, but if you ask him to spell one of those two words, he will begin as normal...

"T" no, no, hmmm, no... "R" "U" no, no... "C" no, no, no, hmmm... *pause* "K" "S". Then, he turns to you and very excitedly chirps, "TRUCKS!" It really is as if he's picking out the letters, or if his brain is sending him the letters and he recognizes that it's not the right one. Very strange.

Ellie has taken to wearing her ballet tutu around the house. I picked one up on etsy.com shortly before her first birthday and she wore it for Valentine's Day pictures (2008). As I was cleaning out their closet last week, I found it and took it downstairs for them to play with. Now, she wears it all the time and even out to dinner the other night. LOL! She is our dancer and singer and will stop everything to sing you a song if you ask.

Both have been uber snuggly as of late and I am savoring every moment of it. Whenever we're near the hospital, they both chime up, "Mommy! Doctor, see baby?" They're so accustomed to my twice a week appointments that even if we're just going to Target (next to the hospital), we must be going to see the new baby. They have been phenomenal through this entire process and I couldn't be happier with their progress. I am confident that we will have no transition issues when we bring the newest addition home in a few weeks.

Nothing new on that front, other than the toxemia scare. I went in for my regular appointment last Thursday and the specialist sent me across the street to see my regular ob, who sent me straight to l&d for several hours. It's funny to me how the male specialist jumps to conclusions and is quick to ignore me. My ob was fuming when she finally got up to the ward and realized just *why* the specialist sent me in. You see, I have a long history of intense heartburn in pregnancy. I have to take a higher prescription for it than normal in the last trimester. It's normal - FOR ME. After the twins were born, they were confident that the problem was my gallbladder. Unfortunately, that wasn't the issue since they took that out during emergency surgery two weeks after the twins were born. Add to that the headache that I had for three days and the fact that my bp was (to him) higher than normal, all signs pointed to toxemia apparently. Well, let's break it all apart and take a closer look. The heartburn we've talked about. It's normal for me. The headache? Stress and sinus related, I'm sure. BP? It was only 130/80. My normal bp (and this has been consistent throughout the pregnancy) is 116-118/60-68. So, while slightly elevated, it was really not a reason to freak out. I spent all morning in l&d hooked up to monitors, unable to drink anything because they were sure I was going to be induced. Ugh.

I had a follow-up appointment yesterday and my cervix is soft, yet firmly closed. I have another ultrasound on Thursday to measure the baby. If they're right, then we're looking at an estimate of about 8.5 pounds. Like I've said to many of you, I take no stock in those measurements as they're notoriously off. It's a nice guess and a party conversation, at best. We shall see, though, what the specialist jumps to do. We're all operating under the guess that *someone* will insist on inducing next week. It's a good thing nesting kicked in last weekend and I'm just about finished with everything that needs to be done! I can't find my receiving blankets from the twins, so I'll go out tomorrow and pick up a few new ones. Otherwise, I've divided all of the baby clothes. We have five big bins from Target. One is a "gender neutral" bin of newborn clothes. We have girl clothes separated into 0-9 months and 12+ months. The same with boy clothes. Then, which ever baby this is *not*, we can sell those clothes or donate them.

I know there is more that I wanted to talk about, but I'm exhausted and my fingers are killing me. I'm going to go curl up in bed for the night.

I send my love to all and hope that everyone is well!

2009-03-08T13:54:00.002-04:00

I'm sitting here trying to think of something to report. The dog is staring at me. She has taken to watching every little move I make, as if I'm going to go into labor at any moment. She did this when I was pregnant with the twins...at about the 34 week mark. She's such a momma dog.

The kids are good. We're really having some issues with Figgy and her behavior, but rather than elaborate on the bad, I'll choose the good. She's so smart. Her vocabulary is booming and she lights up the room when she runs (because, let's face it, the child never walks anywhere) in. Her eyes sparkle with a shine unlike anything I've ever seen. She worships the ground her brother walks on and I love to watch them together. She imitates him a lot of the time, too, which is interesting. The Professor has learned his colors. Blue. Green. Red. Pink. Black. Figgy has absolutely no interest in learning anything other than pink. She'll catch on, eventually. They have been wrestling so much lately that we're almost positive they're secretly planning on trying out as the WWE's next tag team. You very rarely hear any complaining from one of them when they're doing this. In fact, there is a laughter unlike anything we've ever heard.

We've been super busy with preparations lately. We're trying to get our bedroom in some sort of shape to manage a pack-n-play in this space. My brother and his family came over yesterday for my birthday and we all went out to dinner. When we came home, he and Jason moved the large entertainment center out of our bedroom and into the basement. The next step is to vaccum the heck out of the space that the ec was in. Do you have any idea how large the dust bunnies are?!?! Oy. The next step is to move the bed and change the fabric on the headboard, then put the rest of the furniture into place. I built our headboard a few years ago and we change the fabric on it to suit our moods. The latest is a sea green color, meant to be soothing. I have to go through the last of the baby clothes and get two more containers to separate them into. Since we know the gender of this baby (still pissed about this), I'll keep the girl clothes close but not get rid of the boy stuff just yet. I'm holding out hope that the tech really does just call all babies "she/her". I'll be overjoyed if this baby is, indeed, a girl. But, the thought that the surprise has been ruined just devastates me.

I'm still having twice weekly ultrasounds (Monday/Thursday) with the specialist. We had a particularly bad visit last Thursday that left me hysterical and nearly unconsolable. My blood sugars spiked, again, in the early morning hours for a period of three days. The scan itself took nearly an hour and then the doctor came in and poked around for a few minutes. He asked me to meet him in the other exam room because we needed to talk. On the way to the exam room, he asked that I leave a urine sample. When I got in the room, he started poking around on my legs and ankles, asking about swelling. I assured him there was no swelling (and he found the same). He was certain my blood pressure must be through the roof. Nope. 118/68. At this point, I'm thinking he's hinting at pre-eclampsia. Then, he gets back to my blood sugars and I tell him that I was thinking it could be the Tums that I'm overdosing on. The Zantac isn't working and I'm waking up at 2:00 and 4:00 throwing up, essentially, a fire ball. So, I wondered if the spike had something to do with the Tums that I'm taking in the middle of the night. "Could be. Get sugar-free." But, then, he jumps to the fact that I shouldn't be having such bad heartburn at this point in the pregnancy and there is concern about the nausea and vomitting. Okay. Let's backtrack for a second to the twin pregnancy. I threw up every single day of that pregnancy, save for a few weeks, until the day I delivered. I even came close to throwing up on the table that morning. So, it's normal for me to be sick like that. I also had fireballs from heartburn until the very end. To me, this is normal pregnancy stuff. To him? No. His answer? "I think your liver is malfunctioning and I want you to get a panel of bloodwork done." That's it. Nothing more. No elaboration? He doesn't have time to talk. He never does. He hands me the labwork with two boxes checked off: one of them is under organ disease and is called hepatic liver.

To top all of this off? The tech was teasing me about how big the baby is and called her a "gordita." I shrugged it off while in the room, until I looked at the picture she gave me and noticed she typed it into the picture! So, I have this sweet headshot of my daughter with a note that says, "Gordita."

*sobs*

My poor husband has never seen me so upset before. The kids were trying so hard to cheer me up in the car. I dropped Jason off at work and the next thing I know, my mom is trying to get a hold of me. You see, my husband and mom work for the same company so he stopped by her desk on the way up to his and told her about the visit. My mom NEVER gets involved in anything, but ended up sending an e-mail to the doctor.

I'm going to see my ob next week and will ask her for a referral to a different specialist. I shouldn't have to go through this at the end of this pregnancy. I've shrugged off everything else, but this really was the breaking point for me. I only have 6 weeks (if that) left. They keep telling me the baby is way too big at this point (6 pounds 11 ounces - ESTIMATED). I keep telling them (the specialist) that they're wrong about the due date and that I don't have any faith in their measurements because they were so off with the twins. They tell me they can't possibly be wrong about the date because it was based on fetal measurements at 6 weeks. I tell them they're absolutely wrong because the date of conception that corresponds to their due date is physically impossible. There's no way I conceived when they say I did. I'll be in the history books if that's true.

So, that's it from our little neck of the woods. The kids are thriving and I feel like I'm doing *something* right in that regard. I seem to suck at being able to carry a singleton pregnancy. What else is new, though? I suck at almost everything I attempt.

Sunday, Sunday.

2009-03-01T21:14:00.002-05:00

This was the only peaceful, smiling moment of the day. That is all.

Our first video...

2009-02-23T21:35:00.003-05:00

LOL! Okay, let me first explain this. Ethan has this facial expression that he makes when he's upset. He rolls his eyes into the back of his head and puts his little hand up to his forehead, like, "Are you kidding me?!?!" He's suuuuuuuuuper dramatic about it.

Tonight, neither kiddo was interested in eating dinner. In our house the rule is very simple and clear. Mommy makes dinner. One dinner. Everyone eats it...or doesn't eat it. Either way, it's the only thing being made until you can make it yourself. Harsh? Maybe. But, the reality is I don't have the time or desire to make several meals.

So, Ethan proceeded to do his little silent tantrum.

Enjoy! :p

These are the moments...

2009-02-22T21:25:00.003-05:00

Figgy had a bad spill this evening as she came tearing across the living room with the dog following closely behind. She smacked her head against the play fort and really let out a wail. I jumped up (as quickly as I possibly can these days) and grabbed her to comfort her. As I curled up on the couch, the Professor (who was across the room, playing with his cars) jumped up and started yelling, "Sissy! Sissy, oh noooo!" She was sobbing that sad little sob where they gasp for air. He was trying so hard to comfort her and make her laugh, but nothing was working. So, he leaned in and kissed her on the nose, put his head on her shoulder, and rubbed her back with mommy.

These are the moments that make it all worthwhile.

A rare moment in time.

2009-02-19T20:18:00.005-05:00

I feel like I've captured a shot of Bigfoot or The Loch Ness Monster!

We had a very early appointment today with the perinatologist, so that meant everyone was up before the sun. I quietly went into the kids' bedroom and couldn't resist running back out to grab the camera. I NEVER get to see Figgy this sweet. ;)

She loves that Panda that she's curled up with. When she's put in her crib at night, or in the afternoon for nap, she lays on the Panda's back and then wraps her arms and legs around it. I find it rather sweet to know that she snuggles with it like she does. (The white fabric you see is part of her crib tent.) If you look closely, you'll also notice Ethan's crib is right next to her crib. He will not sleep unless he can reach out and touch her. Before she was climbing out of her crib, we had the cribs together and both drop sides down so that they could sleep together. He was having horrible nightmares and this was the only solution. Once she started climbing out, we had to put a crib tent on and it took Ethan a while to get used to that. Now he is content with the idea that he can still touch her if he needs to and to know that she is right there.

As far as The Professor goes, I'm shocked we found him on his tummy. He is, typically, a back sleeper and will have one blankie in his left hand, one in his right hand, and another one by his head. You'll notice there are three blankies in his crib (two that are partially under his tummy and the one in the corner). I had to tie one blankie to the slats in his crib because he would toss it out in the middle of the night and then cry for it. You'll also notice the zebra and giraffe that are on the floor near his head. Those start out in his crib, every single night and at nap. He MUST have them in his crib or he loses his mind. Within five minutes of closing the door, they are thrown out and remain on the floor until the morning. I'm not sure what that's all about. :)

When I brought them downstairs to get them dressed (our normal routine), Figgy went to one of the chairs and The Professor found his "living room" blankie in the corner, where he proceeded to curl up on the floor and go back to sleep. I went over to him and tried to wake him up to get dressed. His response was a very sleepy, "Momma. It's dark."

Needless to say, Figgy got dressed first, this morning.

One of those experiences...

2009-02-18T15:50:00.003-05:00

The internet is a strange, strange place. I have developed friendships with people I have never met. I gather a great deal of strength from some of these women and in a lot of ways, that sucks because I know they'd rather not have to deal with the tragedy that they do. Who wants to be "that person" who gives someone else a great deal of strength and purpose at the hands of losing/almost losing their child? I know these women would gladly trade places in a heartbeat.

Thanks to a few of these women, I know more than anyone would ever want to know about PHACES, Chiari malformation, Neuroblastoma and a few other rare issues. It is because of their struggles that I am a stronger woman, a more determined mother and an advocate for what is best for my babies.

New bikes

2009-02-17T21:35:00.002-05:00

Clearly my children get their sense of humor from my mother. LOL! The kids have been in rare form lately and tonight, as we were announcing bed time and Jason told Ethan to get off of his new bike, Ethan looked at him, waved, and said, "bye-bye sucker!"

I think I nearly peed my pants; I haven't laughed that hard in so long.

I also picked up new bikes for the kids this weekend. I've only managed to put one together (now I know why Santa drinks so much on Christmas Eve) because I don't have a PhD in "toy assembly". Anyway, they love it and I'm quite certain they'll be whizzing around by the time summer arrives. We'll practice every Thursday at our community center where they have open "ride-on" play for kids under 4.

The bike...

Darn all of you who actually plan and follow through!

2009-02-16T22:10:00.002-05:00

;)

So, the woman who makes me laugh decided to purge this weekend. Not only did she decide, but she actually had the audacity to follow through with it. As I look around me, I am reminded that I've been saying the same dang thing for several months, now. Gone are the days of throwing up for hours on end and not having enough energy to blink, let alone clean. So, what is my excuse? Procrastination, perhaps? Lack of energy? Lack of desire, maybe? Nope. It is sheer laziness and I am the queen.

We have to get this stuff done before the new little one arrives. It is all in the master bedroom, which will be where this baby sleeps for the first six months or so (until scheduling is mastered).

Dismantle entertainment center and take it to basement.
Find a place for husband's 500-piece DVD collection.
Remove makeshift desk and try setting back up the laptop.
Find a better spot for craft supplies.
Move shelves to basment.
Suction summer clothes into those handy vacuum bags before summer is actually here.
Remove 1/3 of closet clothes and put them in bags for AmVets next week.

So, why do I tell you all this? It is because I need to be held accountable and I think this might help me knowing I've shared my secret with you all.

Sunday

2009-02-15T20:51:00.002-05:00

Bought a new car. Minivan.

If I step back and think about all of those hopes and dreams I had back in high school, driving a minivan was so not one of them.

Be a mom. Check.
Be a wife. Check.
Be a friend. Check.
Love completely. Check.
Be a good daughter. Check.
College degree. Check. (One of the top 5 biggest mistakes of my life, by the way.)

Nope. Driving a minivan wasn't on that list.

Busy day tomorrow...my twice weekly ultrasounds are still priority. After that, I have to run to E&E's doctor to get E's test results so that I have them for the specialist on Wednesday. Then, I have to run to the hospital to get the scans from his tests. Somewhere in there I have to be a mom and keep the kids fed and entertained. Oh, and clean the house and make dinner. Jason is sick, which never happens. He has an immune system like Fort Knox. Me? I pick up every living organism and it invades my body like the freaking plague; especially when I'm pregnant. My friend Kristy, the immunologist, has an explanation for that and it makes sense.

Taxes are coming, soon. With our refund, we'll be able to pay and close one credit card (leaving only one open), our line-of credit, my dentist bill and a small chunk to the bill leftover from the twins.

$2000 down, $175k more to go.

Friday night

2009-02-13T22:33:00.002-05:00

So, yesterday evening we ran over to the mall to pick up new shoes for Figgy. She's finally able to start wearing regular shoes (we still have to follow-up every few months for her hip issue and the feet) and we went into Stride Rite. While walking around, afterward, I buckled over in severe pain. I was in tears in the middle of the mall, which is so unlike me. I could barely walk. It passed once I sat down and I was fine. Fast-forward to this evening. I was getting up from changing diapers and we were going to head out the door to go pick up Jason and the pain hit me, again. I fell to the floor and had to sit there for a few minutes. Then, it hit me. I hadn't felt the baby move all day. Now, normally it's not a big deal because the baby sleeps all day and I don't typically feel much from her/him. But, beginning about 6:00 every night (like clockwork), my belly starts moving and dancing. I can feel the baby all night and everyone around me can see my tummy moving. I went to pick up Jason, picked up a pizza from our favorite local pizzaria, then headed home to hang out with my mom. When we got home, I sat for a few minutes trying to wake the baby up and get some movement. When that didn't work, I came upstairs and laid down for 10 minutes, shaking my belly, pushing and proding, and just laying still. Absolutely no reaction.

So, I called my ob and she sent me over to L&D. She initially wanted me to go to the closest hospital, but I talked her into letting me come over to my normal hospital. Once there, they tried to get some movement but were unable. I got settled into bed and they hooked me to the monitor and immediately picked up baby's heartbeat. I broke down sobbing and I think finally took a breath. I don't remember much of the drive to the hospital. Jason and I were both silent, thinking the same things...what if? It wasn't an instant relief, though, because baby's heart rate kept dropping from 150-ish to the low 100's. So, I spent a great deal of time rotating from left to right and we did a number of NSTs while I was there. After three hours, we were able to see improvement in the heart rate, but not enough that the nurse felt confident. So, she hopped on the phone with my ob, who headed over to check me out on her own. I have to tell you, I'd marry the woman if I could. I absolutely adore her. There is no other doctor in this world quite like her. She was phenomenal and had me laughing by the end of her visit. Even Jason loves her. :)

I'm home, now. All is well, but the joke between the nurse and our doc is that my body doesn't seem to know how to just grow one baby. I did so much better, pregnancy-wise, with the twins. This pregnancy has been much more difficult.

I am convinced this baby is a girl.

Tuesday Fiona Witt

2009-02-13T13:21:00.000-05:00

http://www.half12.blogspot.com

I adore...

2009-02-12T13:48:00.002-05:00

...hearing my kids call each other "sissy". :)

The Professor has always referred to Figgy as "sissy" or "MY sissy". When he talks to her, about her, or wants her attention, that's what he calls her. Figgy, in return, has taken to calling HIM "sissy". It's pretty funny and I know people must question it when they hear her calling him that.

The other thing I adore is the constant "twin speak" that is going on. They've always done it, of course, but it has really increased dramatically over the last several months. It's non-stop and I just love sitting back and watching them/listening to them.

Let's clear something up, shall we?

2009-02-11T13:39:00.003-05:00

I've had it up to HERE with women who try and compare having several singletons close in age to being a mom of multiples.

I don't care if you have a newborn, a 9 month old, an 18 month old and a 27 month old. YOU DO NOT HAVE ONE STINKING CLUE WHAT IT MEANS TO HAVE TWINS. What it does mean, however, is that you like to reproduce and don't give your body enough time between delivery and conception and that makes you crazy, in my opinion.

Irish twins DO NOT equal twins.

Got it?

Stay tuned...

2009-02-05T22:06:00.002-05:00

So, the fun news from today is that this little one has a full head of hair. LOL! Like I couldn't have told them that, already? I could buy stock in Tums. Actually, I finally had to resort to Zantac like I did with the twins. Figgy had a full head of hair when she was born, too.

We're doing ultrasounds every Monday and Thursday from here on out. I started the medication tonight and we'll see how that goes. My ultimate goal is to have a healthy baby and, hopefully, have a successful VBAC. The baby wanted nothing more than to sleep today and they tried everything to wake him/her up. They managed to get a few minutes of breathing exercises monitored before he/she went back to sleep. Of course, this one is quiet all day long and decides the night is for parties and acrobatics. Wonderful!

New favorite words...

2009-02-04T20:58:00.002-05:00

Figgy has two new favorite phrases. One she learned from me: "Of course!" The other, from daddy today in the car: "Awesome!"

It's all I've heard today.

Figgy: "Momma. Elmo awesome!"
Me: "Really?"
Figgy: "Of course!"

:)

My appointment today was both good and bad. I have to say that I absolutely love the new doctor in the practice. She started her training as a midwife years ago and became an ob at some point. She practiced at Georgetown Hospital for 10+ years and joined my practice about a year ago, I guess? So, now I'm absolutely wild for my group of docs. I talked at length with her about what the perinatologist said and she reminded me that they're not the one's delivering this baby. She said to remember that they're high risk docs and their job is to sort of scare us (for lack of a better phrase). She said that they will absolutely do their very best to ensure a successful VBAC and that they always feel vaginal is the best way to go. But, she also wanted me to keep in mind that it's not a promise and they will do the c-section if necessary. I'm okay with that. What I'm not okay with is a blanket statment of, "you will not be able to have a VBAC". As far as the medication goes, I'm really torn about this. The medication in question is called glyburide. I've been researching the hell out of this and my gut is telling me to tell them to go jump in a lake and refuse to take it. But, I'm also very afraid of insulin addiction. With PCOS, I'm already in an insulin resistant state. Add to that the family history and the gestational diabetes, and my chances of never coming off of the insulin after this pregnancy are exceptionally high.

I'm now in the weekly window of ultrasounds and will find out tomorrow if we're moving to twice weekly ultrasounds. My ob wants me started on something immediately as my resting numbers are not being controlled by diet. The rest of my numbers throughout the day are good, but the resting number isn't. She says that's a clear indicator of the progression of the disease and my body's inability to regulate. I guess I'll know more tomorrow...

Heard from the kids' room this morning...

2009-02-03T08:04:00.001-05:00

Figgy woke up in a foul mood.

Figgy: "yayayayaya...aaaaaaaaaahhhh..." (loads of whining)
.
.
.
.
This goes on for several minutes as I'm brushing my teeth and getting dressed.
.
.
.
Figgy whines more...
.
.
.
.
.
The Professor: "STOP!"

LOL!

Stuff and stuff.

2009-02-02T21:53:00.002-05:00

I've been holding off on saying anything because I've been so ashamed about it, especially after making it through the twin pregnancy relatively easily. The extra fluid and large baby were, in fact, indicators of gestational diabetes. My number wasn't really "off the charts" so to speak, but it was high enough that my doc didn't even give me the option of the 3-hour test. I made an appointment to go to the gd class and talk with a nutritionist, which was today. I also sat and talked with my perinatologist last week. That was a miserable experience and has left me both numb and angry, ready to fight. I'm going to ask my ob this week if she has another recommendation for the specialist because I really just never thought I'd have to see these folks again after the twins. I'm not at all happy with the techs there and after the experience last week, definitely not happy with the practice in general. He looked me right in the eyes and told me that it would be impossible for me to have a successful VBAC, that they'd most certainly take the baby early via c-section. Unfortunately, that also means that Jason won't be allowed in the delivery room with me. You see, my placenta is directly underneath of the old scar from the first c-section. So, the way it has been explained to me is that it becomes increasingly likely that I will bleed out and need extra help in the delivery room. This is reason number 1,000,000 that I don't want a c-section, but it seems like I'm being bullied into that decision. I have an appointment with my doc on Wednesday and we'll see what she has to say. The other thing I'm really quite upset about right now is that I discovered today at the nutritionist/conference thing that my perinatologist is known for prescribing a drug for gestational diabetes that is not approved by the FDA. The nurse mentioned it to me in passing as a "just in case you didn't know" sort of thing when we talked about the possibility that my numbers might not be controlled through diet. My resting level is high, which is a problem. The nutritionist today looked at last week's food journal and was impressed, but made a few tweeks to see if that will help with the resting numbers in the morning. I still feel like I'm eating way too much food, but I'm going to trust the nutritionist. I am back to throwing up one meal a day, but I'm convinced it's because of the amount I'm eating. I'll talk to the doc on Wednesday about that, as well. I went from eating three small meals a day to eating six small meals a day with LOADS of carbs.

I'm devestated by this news, all in all. If I can't do anything else right at all, I do take phenomenal care of myself during pregnancy because it's no longer just about me. I have this little person that I'm responsible for. I feel like this whole process has been a disaster from beginning to (nearly) end and it upsets me. I had these goals to finally be able to experience childbirth and the labor process and it seems as time progresses, those goals are being eaten away at.

The one thing that I'm not willing to do, in all of this, is take the medication that the peri will prescrible. As much as I want to avoid insulin, if my diet change doesn't correct the numbers, I will take the insulin before taking a pill not approved by the FDA. I don't care that they've been prescribing it for 7 years now and that no patients have had adverse effects. The pill hasn't been around long enough to tell me what it's going to do to my child in the long run...15 years down the road. I can't believe that they are even able to do this. And, what's more, if this nurse hadn't told me, I'd have taken the medication with no questions asked because I TRUST my doctor.

Panic

2009-01-29T21:11:00.003-05:00

I never intended on sending the kids to preschool. It just wasn't something that we thought about. I have an extensive education that includes early childhood education and psychology. My thoughts have always been that I can teach them just as well as someone at a preschool who *doesn't* have a degree. I've always had this thought that they were just glorified daycare centers. Well, Jason has asked a few times about preschool. I'm not sure where this is coming from, except that maybe his mom has asked, but I figured if he's curious I'd look into it. My other thought was that it would be way too expensive for us (anything over $100/week for both is too much). I have been researching preschools here in the area for a few weeks now and nothing really caught my attention. So, I turned to my neighbors who have small kids. I've talked about our wonderful neighbors before, I'm sure. We're extremely fortunate to have the network that we do, and I recognize that. H&B have their daughter, Peyton, who just turned 4. We were going to sit down with them and talk about the adoption process after the loss of our first baby. They send her to a great daycare facility down the street. So, no thoughts on preschools. There is one mom, in particular, that I look to for advice and I respect her tremendously. She has a very similar parenting style and beliefs similar to mine. It turns out, she sends her boys to the same facility as our other favorite neighbors. So, there are four kids who attend this preschool. I asked K for some feedback today and she sent me a long e-mail with info in it, along with the website information. As I sat there looking at the photos of the school and the classrooms, I began to cry. Suddenly, the thought of sending the kids to school (just two days a week, for three hours each day) has put me into a full blown panic. My heart is racing and my palms are sweaty. But, you know what? My view has completely changed about the programs out there. This school has been around since 1950 and was the first kindergarten in town until the county went to k-12. It is a very popular facility and the waiting list can be long. Registration starts next week and the fees are extremely affordable. ($160/mo for T,TH 9-12 class) They have a science class, school pictures, Dad's day, and all sorts of other cool things. The bonus to this is that the kids would be in the same class as one of K's sons who is 6 months younger than E&E. The other upside to this is that I'd have a few hours each week with just the new baby (what in the hell will I do with just one infant?!?! How do you take care of one baby?) and the kids will have an opportunity to learn and participate in activities outside of the house, not to mention peer interaction. I keep them busy, but wouldn't it be nice to have more structured play away from mommy?

Why does this tug at my heart strings so much? I should be jumping at the chance and much more excited about this, I think.

I'm going to call tomorrow and set up an appointment with the head of the program. We may not even be able to get a spot until later on. I'll never know until I try, right?

Update: We've decided to hold off until they're 3 because of finances. We can either put this money towards paying off debt or sending them to this facility twice a week for a few hours a day, and right now, the debt needs to have priority. We're signing them up for a swim class and tumbling through the rec center, instead, which is $78 per class. I'm leaving this here, though, to remind me of these feelings later on.

Aye, yay, yay...

2009-01-28T13:35:00.003-05:00

So, we've been instituting time-outs for a while now. I think I mentioned somewhere here that I was concerned that we were doing something wrong because they actually go to their time-out chair willingly, most days. Apparently, I'm using time-out waaaaay too much because last night, Figgy picked up her baby doll and was babbling away about something as she walked to the time-out chair and put the baby in the chair. She stood there, like mommy does, and "explained to baby why she was there" in her best mommy voice. Every once in a while, she'd turn around and holler something else (I tend to yell if one of them tries to get up too soon). Ahhhhh! I had to get up and walk out of the room because I was laughing so hard.

The other latest development in her attitude? If she is told to do something she doesn't want to do (get off the dining room table for the 1,000,000,000th time), she stands with her hands on her hips and screams, "NO! MOMMA/DADDY/GRAMMA MEAN!" I told her the other day that she really should get used to it now because she's got another 16 years of this mean mommy.

The Professor has become someone I barely recognize. He is such a monster lately! There is a lot of throwing going on, a lot of pushing/hitting/biting and a lot of being mean to the dog. He has spent a good part of today in time-out because he has been pushing Figgy to the ground and throwing things. The last time he did this, I took all of his toys away for the day.

Ethan's update.

2009-01-19T22:23:00.002-05:00

So, the last time we saw the specialist at Children's Hospital for Ethan, the last thing he said to us was, "He's not 100% cleared, but I'm confident it is clearing up and there is no need to see you anymore." It left a bit of a sour taste in my mouth because I felt like *I* wanted to keep seeing him until it was 100% cleared up. But, I tried to have confidence in the fact that I had researched this doctor for several months before we saw him and knew that he was the best in the area. If I can't do anything right, the one thing I can do right is pick the best doctors for my kids when there is something wrong. So, I tried to remember that and to keep in mind that he knows what he's doing. But, there was always that thought in the back of my head of, "What if..." Anyway, Ethan has been the sicker of the two kids for a long time. He gets these fevers and I started journaling to keep track of them and it seemed to occur every six weeks, like clockwork, and would range between 102 and 104, rectally. No other symptoms, except a high fever and lethargy. He would, literally, crawl up on my lap and sleep on me all day long. When I'd move him to play with Ellie, he'd sleep on the couch. What 1-2 year old does that? So, I mentioned it at his 2 year appointment on January 9th. She felt as though the fevers and his kidney history warranted another battery of tests. We're pros at these tests since he had them so much during the first year, so it's not a big deal (until they start sticking tubes up his penis and then I lose it). We went this morning and Ethan was PHENOMENAL. I have to say that because I'm so proud. In fact, the only reason we know as much tonight is because Ethan laid completely still for 30 minutes and allowed the guy to get really good scans and monitor the urine output through the ureter to the kidney and bladder. Anyway, it seemed to be okay and they sent us home. Until 7:30 tonight when our doctor called us and asked if we had some time to talk. Ethan has dilation of the left kidney (always was the problem side) and the urine is basically backwashing. In addition to all of that, they found a new problem. I'm not sure if it was always there and there was no need to mention it or if, now that he's grown a bit, the issue is more pronounced. Basically, when the urine flows from the ureter to the bladder and kidneys, it branches out into (essentially) tree trunk type things. It looks like fingers going from the ureter to the organs. Ethan has too many, which is causing a problem. I'm not sure what the fix is for that, other than going in and taking a laser and "chopping" off some of those branches. I have to go pick up his test results tomorrow and make an appointment with the specialist, then we'll see what he has to say.

I'm kicking myself in the ass right now because I KNEW I should have pushed the issue a year ago when the doc told us that we didn't have to come back. I swore I'd never let a doctor push my mother's intuition down, again. Bah!

National Air & Space Museum

2009-01-18T20:21:00.006-05:00

The Udvar-Hazy Center in Chantilly, VA.

We took the kids to the UHC today, to see the airplanes and just walk around. My husband is a WWII geek, so I walked the museum with the kids and he hung out reading all the stuff about the planes. The moment we walked in (I've been before, but none of them have), I was thrilled with our decision to go. It's always hit or miss with them at this age, so I wasn't sure what reaction we'd get. But, Ethan just started squealing and let out lots of oohs and ahhhs. (Right along with daddy, of course.) Ellie loved it, as well. It's a $12 fee for parking but free to get into the building, which is cheaper than what it started out to be. When they first opened, it was $18. There is an observation tower where you can go and watch all the planes land at Dulles. Unfortunately, the two men there wanted to argue over whether we'd be allowed to take our stroller, so we opted to not go up. The director was going to allow it but the elevator man wouldn't. I guess he needed to feel powerful and exert what little power he does have. I don't know. *sigh*

My favorite part of the museum (a huge airplane hangar) is the section devoted to the space program. The Enterprise is docked there. It's phenomenal and quite impressive as you first walk into that section.

Ethan became quite excited and started screaming, "MICKEY, MICKEY!" I couldn't, for the life of me, figure out what he was talking about until I looked closer and realized he was looking at this:

A few other shots from today:

After naps, we took the kids over and got hair cuts... :( Ethan looks like a little man now and his little curls are gone. Elizabeth got a bob-type cut and her curls have bounced up. It's adorable! Afterwards, we walked over to Champps to grab a bite to eat and my Figgy found herself right in her element surrounded by her type of people. It was the last quarter of the Philly/Arizona game and every single time people would get loud and cheer, she'd stand up and scream right along with them, clapping the entire time. The child had no clue what everyone was so excited about, she just knew they were her type of folks! LOL! My little man, however, was not so excited about all the excitement and spent a good deal of the evening sitting on gramma's lap. Poor guy. :(

Tomorrow is Ethan's initial scan for the return of his hydronephrosis. We'll have to be there at 10:30 to get all checked in and I had to have a good laugh when I got the instructions. They don't him voiding for an hour prior to the scan. LOL! Yeah, right. How do you stop a (just turned) 2 year old from doing that? I told the woman she was insane and that I'd certainly do my best (not give him any liquids in the morning) but that I couldn't promise anything. He'll want his milk first thing with breakfast.

That's it from our neck of the woods. It's Innaugural weekend here in DC, so we're staying very close to home (read: no further than 3 miles). Jason wanted to go downtown to the Natural History museum today and I told him he must have hit his head on something because today was the concert on the mall. He, apparently, didn't think it would be "that crowded". Boy, was he mistaken. I'm so glad I vetoed that idea! :)

Amber, I imagine you guys are sticking on-base for the next few days, too!

I can't believe we did this, but...

2009-01-18T13:35:00.001-05:00

I'm laughing my head off right now because I never EVER thought I'd be going to one of these. We couldn't pass up the deal that we got for the Monster Truck Jam at Verizon Center next weekend and Ethan has been screaming every time the commercial comes on because he wants to see the trucks. So, we shelled out the $25 for two seats for Jason and I (the kids are free under 3) and ended up with lower bowl tickets in the last row (which we love!). The Professor is going to be so freaking excited. LOL!

And, for Princess Figgy, gramma got us tickets to Disney on Ice on Valentine's Day - FRONT ROW, CENTER! Tickets were only $30 a piece, but the kids have to have their own seats. So, it was quite a bit more expensive once you throw in fees and such.

Update on baby #3.

2009-01-16T21:38:00.002-05:00

Okay, so this whole pregnancy has been a roller coaster of surprises for us. I think most of you that read this have struggled with fertility (and still are), so you'll understand. I was told at the age of 18 that I'd NEVER have children. The Navy was adamant about that. There was never a diagnosis because they never took the time to really delve into it. After all, what could an 18 year old possibly need to know about her reproductive system? I tried to push, but was always told, "It's just a mess in there." Without handing out TMI, I never did try to avoid getting pregnant for 12 years. I met my husband and it suddenly became a priority for us. After losing a baby in the latter part of the first trimester, we became desperate and I remember my ob sitting down across from me, taking my hands, wiping my tears and promising me it would happen. We aggressively sought a diagnosis and underwent three surgeries before having that final dx of polycystic ovarian syndrome. We drilled my ovaries twice. I went through a few other procedures and several months of fertility meds before deciding to stop the meds because they were having such a negative effect on me (side effects). We had been off of the meds for a month and a half before getting pregnant with the twins. It was, by all accounts, a very uneventful pregnancy. There was always that question of whether it was my body that hyperovulated on its own or if the meds were still in my system. Either way, we never thought about birth control because pregnancy was something that seemed impossible on our own. After another loss, we moved on and decided that we'd try again when the kids were in kindergarten. We talked about me going back to work this year and putting the kids in a good preschool/daycare program here in the area. The kids learn in a farm environment surrounded by animals and such. Anyway, I digress... Surprise! We're pregnant. Life moves on and we embrace the news, albeit with much fear and uncertainty because of finances and our living situation.

The pregnancy, much like the twins, has been uneventful. I suffered severe morning sickness until somewhere around the 17 week mark, then had a blissful 4-5 weeks off, and jumped right back on the morning sickness wagon. It was just like the twins. Now, while I was pregnant with the twins, I experienced a moment of intense fear when the time came for the diabetes screening. I took the test and had an appointment with the specialist the next morning. So, I was in a wait and see window about the outcome of the screening. What I remember next isn't as clear, but I know that the specialist had me in a state of sheer panic because he told me that he was certain I had gestational diabetes based on what he was seeing in the ultrasound. I never did get what he was saying, but my mom reminded me tonight that I spent the next two days crying because I was sure I had gd and that I had done something wrong. Well, as we've come to realize in this house, the doctors aren't always right and my blood sugars were actually in a very good spot.

Fast forward to this pregnancy, shall we? I'll admit right now that I haven't taken nearly as good of care of myself as I did the first time. I have two toddlers to chase after. I've not gained any weight at all, because of the hypermesis. In fact, I've lost another 2 since my last appointment but I'm certain that's because of the norovirus. I'm not a sugar fiend...never have been. In real life (before pregnancy), my blood sugars are actually low. My blood pressure is always at a great level and, unless I'm sick, never gets above 118/60. I'm not the picture of health, by far though, as I have a good 50 pounds on me that I've gained over the years. This pregnancy has been fairly uneventful, otherwise. I've consistently measured between 4 and 6 weeks ahead of my due date, but that was always explained away because I had full-term twins and my uterus was stretched to hell as a result. Lots of twin moms I know experience the same thing and look much more pregnant than they really are. I had my morning exam with my ob and had blood drawn for my glucose screening. In the afternoon, I headed over to the maternal fetal specialist (I'm seeing him because of my thyroid condition). We've seen them four times now. The first two times were really odd as I went in at my 6 week (or so we thought) for the nt screening. They measured the baby and told me I was a week off in dates, though that is impossible because the date they have me at can't possible match up with a conception date. There are four possible dates that can be used for reference, and this is not one of them. But, whatever. Science isn't a perfect art, right? So, I had to go back 2 weeks later for the nt screening. The next appointment was at 20 weeks, followed by this one. Everything was as it normally is. The tech scanned me, took pictures (finally!) and did measurements. She told me that the baby is large and weighs approximately 2.5 pounds. It should weigh approximately 1.5 pounds. She covered me up and went to get the doc, who came in and looked everything over. He started the conversation off just as he did with the twins and told me he's positive I have gd. I ask him to elaborate and he explains that the baby is too large for its gestational age and that I have a generous amount of amniotic fluid in the sac. I explain that he was dead wrong about the gd in the twins and ask if it's just possible that I grow large babies. I'm on track with this one, based on his measurements and the growth track, to have a 9-10 pound baby. He won't discuss anything with me until the test comes back on Monday/Tuesday and that he'll want to see me immediately after the results come in. He'll begin monitoring me every 2-3 weeks.

As any neurotic mother would do, I've gone to pubmed to do some research about excess amniotic fluid and one thing keeps coming up - a pregnancy that started out as an identical twin pregnancy early on with a case of TTTS, which would explain the large amount of amniotic fluid in the sac. The idea is that the surviving twin now has all of his/her fluid in addition to his/her brother/sister's fluid. The other thought (that makes sense) is that the baby has stopped swallowing his/her amniotic fluid because the kidneys aren't producing/functioning correctly. Ethan had/has hydronephrosis and it was detected around this point in the pregnancy. Of course, I could very well have developed gd this pregnancy and he could be right. I'm hoping to God that he's wrong, again, though.

Thursday

2009-01-15T21:11:00.004-05:00

My guilty pleasure is my parent magazines. I don't necessarily find the articles to be helpful or pertain to my situation, but occasionally I'm surprised. Tonight, however, I found myself drawn to an article called, "Mad at Dad," and it was phenomenal and true to life for me. The one part of the article that I zoomed in on had a great quote and I could have written it! "We love our husbands-but we're mad that we spend more mental energy on the details of parenting. We're mad that having children has turned our lives upside down much more than theirs. We're mad that these guys, who can manage businesses OR KEEP TRACK OF THOUSANDS OF PIECES OF (ARBITRARY) SPORTS TRIVIA, can be clueless when it comes to what our kids are eating..." My other favorite quote? "He gets to focus on one thing at a time. Meanwhile, I'm trying to cook with human leg warmers clinging to my shins."

Ladies and gentleman, that is my life! I'm so thankful that I'm not the only woman/wife/mother out there who can relate.

"As mothers, we think nothing of stirring a pot of noodles while setting up a refrigerator-repair appointment, sorting mail, and helping a child with his weekly spelling words. And it annoys us when our husbands act put-upon or overwhelmed when we want them to handle a couple of things at once."

A few fun finds in the magazines this month that I may have to actually purchase or think of purchasing...

Animal Scramble
"Animal Scramble features an electronic hand-held tagger shaped like a giraffe and four fist-sized friends (a monkey, parrot, tiger and elephant). The giraffe calls out which animals kids should run to and tag and tracks the amount of time taken to complete each course."

I've been a freecycle fan since my neighbors introduced me. I hate the idea of throwing things away. I go to craigslist or my husband's work intranet, first, to try and sell stuff. If that is not successful, I've been setting things aside for a yard sale that will probably never happen. But, a few sites recently caught my attention...

Zwaggle.com is a kid-focused flea market where you pay with points that are earned by signing up and unloading old gear.

Swaptree.com is a site where you can post books, DVDs or games and will help you find other items that you can trade for.

Freepeats.org is a site where you can post or find baby and kid gear locally.

My neighbor recently came to me to ask what kind of sippy cups we're using because she's not had any luck with the stuff they've tried. Everything, as we all know, seems to spill. The soft spouts were not an option in our home as the kids immediately learned to bend the plastic and finger paint with their milk on the glass table tops. So, the cups we've come to love and that I recommended were the Gerber Graduates Sip & Smile Spill Proof Cups. As with anything toddler related, they are not fool-proof. There are the occasional spot spills and the kids can both tap the cup upside down on the glass to finger paint. But, they both also tend to carry their sippy around the living room upside down and the liquid doesn't spill that way.

The other share I wanted to pass on tonight was a tangle-free spray. Figgy has my hair. Fine and snarly. Just like my hair, we can't condition it all the time because it weighs it down and she ends up looking like she stuck her head in a grease pit. I was looking for something, anything, that would help us after baths with her long, curly, fine hair. This stuff is a miracle for us! It doesn't weigh her hair down and it leaves it feeling soft the rest of the week.

Hmmm...I had more I wanted to talk about tonight but I'm drawing a blank. CSI is on and my attention seems to be wandering back to that. Hubby is out for a rare night with the guys, rocking out to Metallica at the Verizon Center. (Blech! I'm not a heavy metal fan.)

The kids had a particularly rough day today and I'm afraid that will dictate a particularly rough night. Figgy was up and screaming by 6:15, which is considerably earlier than she normally wakes. Both were out of control all day long and very fussy/whiny/argumentative. This usually carries into the middle of the night when they wake up screaming for no apparent reason. *sigh*

Out of my daughter's mouth...

2009-01-14T13:24:00.003-05:00

So, last week it was a pitiful whisper from the backseat..."I said please."

Today, we were dropping my husband off at work and we gave each other a kiss goodbye. Miss Figgy, from the backseat, pipes up and says, "Awwwwwow!" LOL! My husband walked into work with a bright red face and a good chuckle for the day.

She has quite the sense of humor. :)

2 year check-up

2009-01-09T21:12:00.002-05:00

(This is a primary copy/paste from RM with an update about Ellie that I didn't include there...)

I have to preface this by saying it all started out well and the kids are doing great! :) It was a bit bittersweet as the doctor that we've been seeing since we started the practice at 6 weeks old is no longer seeing patients. She was juggling both jobs as doctor and CEO/administrator of the practice and it got to be too much. So, she turned all of her patients over to this doc that we saw today. Coincidentally, we've seen this new doc two times during sick appointments and she was my next choice for a doctor. We're thrilled with her and, more importantly, the kids seem to love her as much as they did their other doc.

Ethan is 33.5" tall (25th%) and weighs 28lbs (50th%). His head circumference = 19.25" (50th%).
Elizabeth is 32 3/4" tall (25th%) and weighs 26.8lbs (50th%). Her head circumference = 18 3/4" (50th%).

We started with Ethan and his mysterious high fevers. I've been keeping track in a journal and they come on out of the blue every six weeks or so. They range from 102 - 103, rectally, and he has no other symptoms (other than being incredibly lethargic). Since Ethan has the history of hydronephrosis, we've decided to rule out a recurrent problem and have another ultrasound and nuclear screening done at Children's. At our final appointment with the nephrologist and urologist, we were told the problem was 95% cleared and there was no need for a follow-up. I wasn't thrilled with that, but didn't question the docs. Now, of course, I'm kicking myself. We talked about his anxiety in social situations (nightmares for two days after being at anyone else's house). When we go to the playground, we're usually the first and only ones there for about 10-15 minutes. When it gets to the point that there are more than about 5 or 6 other kids, he stands completely still as if frozen, and starts to breath fast. He won't/can't move. She feels it's a normal response for some kids and that he's going to be our shy child. He's growing really well and she's pleased.

Our Elizabeth. Oy! She is a handful, I tell ya. We went through the normal check-up questions and got to the issues at hand. On Monday, she started pulling at herself and saying, "Ow, pee pee." Last night, when she peed, you could tell it almost hurt her. So, I was afraid she has a UTI. Well, in order to tell that, they have to catheterize her. I am normally a very strong person for my kids, but that was so hard. The doc commented that she's never seen a 2 year old as strong and feisty as mine, which was funny (not at the time). She had two nurses holding her legs down and I was holding her head and arms while the doc tried to cath her. She tried for five minutes. Ellie sobbed and was hysterical, begging for her to stop and asking for Ethan. Ethan, meanwhile, was trying to push his way between the doc and nurses to climb up on the stool to see her. I tried so hard to not cry, but couldn't help it. I finally asked her to stop and she agreed. She had a second option, which is what we ended up doing. She attached a bag to her vaginal area, inside of her diaper, and told us to go to lunch and come back later on to check and see if she had peed. We went up the street to see Jason and my mom for lunch and made sure Ellie drank a lot. She had 12 ounces of water and we were there for an hour and a half. We went back to the dr's office and she had not ONE ounce of urine in the bag or diaper. So, we went home and they slept. She pees a lot when she naps, so my hope was that she'd have something in the bag after nap. They woke up at 5:15 and we went to my husband's work, then straight to the docs office. First of all, our doc was supposed to leave work at 5:00, but called us at 5:40 to see if things were okay. Turns out she wanted to hang around and see Ellie instead of having another doc see her after hours (they're open until 9:00). We got there and wouldn't you know it? The nurse that reapplied the bag the second time didn't do it right. Ellie had lots of urine, but it was all in her diaper. *groans* So, we'll have to do this all over again.

I do have to tell you a funny part of the day...when she saw Jason and my mom, she ran up to them and said, "Bad pee-pee doctor." LOL! On our way to the cafeteria, she told anyone who would listen that same thing. My poor Elliebug.

The funny thing is that the doctor affirmed what we've known all along...that Ellie is an unusually active 2 year old. She will not play with any one toy for more than a few minutes at a time. Her day is mostly spent running from one end of the house to the other end, playing on occasion. She is our social butterfly where Ethan is our shy kiddo.

She wants them started on vitamins (she says she recommends it for all of her 2 year olds) with a B-12 additive because they're not big meat eaters. She also gave us the green light for peanut butter and 2% milk.

They still seem so underweight to me, but she's very happy with their personal growth charts. They never do tell me the %tile that they fall into, but her nurse did this time and wrote it on their paperwork. She also assured me (as did the previous doc) that the national %tile is really not one to look at and that most docs are shying away from that model. She pulled out their chart and they're right on track for what they've been doing since birth, and that's all I care about. :)

I guess I'm doing okay at this whole "mommy" job, after all.

Happy Birthday, my sweet angels.

2009-01-08T21:45:00.004-05:00

They survived. They had to!

2009-01-04T19:27:00.003-05:00

You know, I have to go on record and admit that I don't give my husband nearly enough credit. You'd think I would have figured it out when the kids were 2 weeks old and I had emergency surgery. He survived, they survived, and all was fine. I grumble and groan about how he falls asleep on the weekends in the morning and about how I've had to, essentially, train him to help me get things together when we go somewhere. But, he really stepped up to the plate this weekend and I have to give him kudos for that.

Saturday morning, around 4:00, I woke up not feeling so hot. I fell right back to sleep and was up shortly before the kids arose at 7:45. I hopped in the shower and immediately started throwing up. Not so unusual for me since I'm back to having morning sickness in the morning... But, I fed the kids their breakfast and took a bite of a banana and a sip of ginger ale and ran to the bathroom. From that point, I started throwing up every hour on the hour. I didn't get any food into my belly for the entire day. Every time I would try and take a sip of a drink, it would come back up within ten minutes. I got to the point, since my stomach was empty, that I was bringing up that yellow, icky bile. The last straw was when my dear husband ran out to get popsicles and I tossed one within 5 minutes. I couldn't keep down an ounce of liquids at this point and had tried everything, including an ounce of pedialyte mixed with an ounce of water (hey, it's good enough for the kids, right?). I called my ob and she had me head straight for l&d. I checked in and gave them what little I had of a urine sample. While hooking me up to check the baby and take my vitals, the urine came back and I was severely dehydrated and they were sure my kidneys were in the process of shutting down. So, I was admitted on Saturday night and hooked to an iv. The good news in all of this was that the baby is fine and just as stubborn as his/her brother and sister in regards to the monitors. I had been worried since there wasn't much movement during the evening, as there usually is, but once those monitors went on? The statement from the nurse was, and I quote, "You have an extraordinarily active baby."

Within 5 hours I had gone through two bags of iv fluids and was hooked to another. They administered several rounds of iv anti-nausea medication and I slept for an hour or so at a time. I was unable to keep liquids down when offered, so we finally stopped the torture at 5:30 this morning and they allowed me to sleep for 2 hours. Breakfast was brought into my room (whole wheat toast) and I couldn't stand the thought of eating. By 2:00, I was able to keep chicken broth down and my fever had gone down from the original 102 to 98.6. My ob came to check on me late this afternoon and released me this evening.

Can I tell you all a secret? I loved that time to rest and recoup. As much as I tried to rest upstairs in our bedroom, it hard for me to hear the kids calling for me and crying because daddy just wasn't doing it the same way as mommy. I honestly think the day and a half in the hospital did me more good, not just in terms of the fluids that were pushed, but because of the rest that I got. But, with that, I have never been so happy to come home and have those two little people come tearing across the living room and throwing themselves into my arms.

I'm still tossing my cookies, but I have enough fluids on-board to keep me going for a while. I'm able to keep down a few ounces of fluids at a time, so that's a step in the right direction. The thought from the hospital is that the norovirus made its rounds through the house and I was the next lucky victim. Let's hope it has made its departure and we'll return to normal this week.

Yes, I'm going to go "there".

2009-01-02T22:34:00.003-05:00

Nothing annoys me more than a mom of (a) singleton(s) telling me what I'm doing wrong or what I did wrong with my twins. I don't care whether you have 10 singletons or a set of "Irish" twins (what the hell is that, anyway?...you have two singletons). Unless you have a set of twins, you will NEVER get it. I don't care if you various members of your family or your bff has a set of twins, you still won't get it.

But, that said, ranking right close to that is a mom who has several singletons and is now pregnant with twins thinking it's going to be the same as when she had her single baby.

Let me tell you something, and let me be very clear...I do not know ONE parent of multiples that did not put their kiddos on some sort of routine/schedule say they are happy. In fact, every parent I know that did not do the routine/schedule is now BEGGING for help with STTN. I don't know one parent who put their kiddos on a routine/schedule that is not at peace with their decision. I have parents of singletons who are seeking ME out to ask me about schedules. Everyone I know is highly impressed by the fact that my kids (for the most part...as you have read in the past, we have our issues from time to time) seek out their cribs at bedtime. They put their toys away during the 5-minute warning and climb the steps to their bedroom every night. They have their routine and it works. They sleep 12+ hours at night and 2-4 hours for naps. If I had not established a routine when we came home from the hospital, I know I would never have survived. My MARRIAGE never would have survived.

I do not, nor will I ever, understand women who seek help during the night from nannies so that they can sleep. Why on earth did you ever have a baby to begin with if you're going to hand him/her/them off to someone else, other than your spouse? That's like good old Donald Trump and his newest trophy wife, who put their newborn on an entirely different floor at Trump Tower with the nanny. Why have that baby to begin with?

So, to sum up my pissy post tonight:

Unless you are currently raising a set of twins, keep your freaking opinions to yourself because you have NO idea how ridiculously stupid you sound. And, please, don't tell me how long you've dreamed of having twins and how fun it would be. Did you dream of the financial strain it brings? Did you dream of the marital issues it causes? Did you dream of the extremely high divorce rate that having multiples brings? Did those dreams show you how taxing it can be on your body? How about how dangerous it can be to carry multiples? Oooh! How about that dreamy NICU stay, terbutaline pump and sheer discomfort? Oh! And how about those lovely stretch marks? Fun, fun, fun!

Not so talkless Tuesday, after all.

2008-12-30T14:39:00.002-05:00

LOL! I can't believe I'm going to admit this, and you guys will probably roll your eyes and think I'm insane, but I'm thinking about buying tickets to Monster Jam. Ahhhhh! Ethan is obsessed - OBSESSED - with monster trucks (along with planes, trains and his toy cars). My mom was switching channels one night while watching the kids and zipped past a channel that had a monster truck rally on. He caught a glimpse as he looked up and ever since then, we have to show him every night that it's not on tv. When it happens to be on, like Christmas day? We watched the marathon. Ugh.

Anyway, I guess this is where we make these sacrifices for our kids, right? LOL! I think he'd love to go and see the trucks up close. I'm already looking at Disney on Ice tickets as my husband's work purchases large chunks and offers them to the employees at discount rates. We can get good seats for $80 (for all four of us) for the DoI tour and pretty good seats for Monster Jam.

What's a mom to do? :p

Talkless Tuesday...

2008-12-30T13:25:00.001-05:00

61 degees in Washington D.C.

2008-12-27T23:51:00.003-05:00

What on earth is with this weather!?!? Seattle and Portland are getting OUR snow, darn it! My aunt sent me a card from Portland asking if I was making a surprise visit because it never snows there unless I'm visiting. :)

We took the kids downtown tonight to see the National Christmas Tree. It seems everyone else in Maryland, Virginia and the surrounding areas decided it was a great idea, too, because it was much more congested than usual down there. For those who have never been, it's pretty neat. The tree sits in the center of 56 surrounding (much smaller trees) from the states and territories. In addition to the trees, they have a yule log, reindeer, Santa's workshop, various entertainment during the evening and a manger scene. Surrounding the large tree in the center is an entire scene of miniature trains (Ethan's favorite part of the evening!). Each of the small trees is decorated by a different group in their state each year.

Elizabeth was pretty miserable this evening, so there aren't too many pictures to share. But, we caught a very cute moment (terrible picture, though) between the two of them as we were walking from the car to the tree.

And then, as soon as Elizabeth realized mommy wasn't holding her other hand anymore...

And, finally, the National Christmas Tree...

A very peaceful, content Christmas 2008.

2008-12-25T22:08:00.003-05:00

As the day draws to a close and the kids are fast asleep, I am feeling tremendously blessed today. This week started off bumpy and full of anxiety, but everything fell into place and worked out just as it should. There was no anxiety surrounding having to spend Christmas Eve with people who don't like me (and vice versa) and was spent, instead, with my mom and the twins at home. We grabbed Outback takeout and rented two movies for the kids (Thomas the Tank and Kung Fu Panda - more for the big kids today) and had a quiet evening here. It was beautiful and peaceful and I didn't have to spend it running around and keeping them from touching anything they shouldn't. Jason did end up going to visit his folks and extended family, but it worked out just fine. His folks held onto the kids' gifts with the intention of visiting us soon. Needless to say, I won't be holding my breath as we all know how good they are with scheduling visits with their grandkids.

We woke up this morning and I was able to sleep for another hour before getting up and showering. When I came downstairs, we opened gifts from Jason's extended family, my aunt in Oregon, and the few gifts we got for the kids. It was all very overwhelming for them and they didn't understand the deal with tearing the paper and keeping what was inside. Maybe next year? But, they did have a grand time! :) I put the turkey and ham in the oven around 1:00 and we laid around being lazy for the day. My brother and sister-in-law came early and we just hung out and watched movies while waiting for dinner to finish. Once that was over, we opened gifts in a windstorm of activity and confusion and Elizabeth ended up having a major meltdown. Ethan became so overwhelmed that he took his cars to the corner of the living room where it was quiet, lined them up and sat quietly playing with them. Once all was quiet again and the family had left, we packed the kids up in the car and drove around town looking at Christmas lights. It was a beautiful Christmas. My husband even surprised me for the third time in our relationship and had me in tears with his gift. You see, he is usually a very predictable person and never really is able to surprise me. This year, he held onto a conversation that we had a month or two ago and ran with it. He got me tickets to see Fleetwood Mac when they come to DC in March! I was so excited. My tears were not necessarily for the tickets, but because he actually listened and came up with an idea out of the blue like this. It touched my heart more than any gift he could ever have given me.

Just when I think I have him figured out! LOL!

It's here...

2008-12-23T13:26:00.003-05:00

We have been hit by the virus. I called the ped this morning and they told me they didn't want Figgy anywhere near the office. *laughs* They are down to 1/2 staff because so many kids have presented with the virus and it's so wickedly contagious. So, they asked that I kindly refrain from bringing her in and thanked me for calling, first. What they did say was that just from the sounds of it, she definitely has it. She was up most of the night but finally up at 5:30. She's burning up, but nothing is bringing the temp down (read: motrin/tylenol/motrin/tylenol alternating). She has thrown up several times and can't keep anything in her tummy. She did ask me for a banana this morning and then proceeded to drink 5 ounces of water with 2 Tbsp. of juice mixed in. The problem, as I quickly found out? With this virus and children, you can't allow them free reign with the liquids as you would normally do. It came right back up. So, I've been offering her liquids by the 1 ounce. Ethan went back to bed this morning and slept until 9:00, so she and I snuggled on the couch until then. She wants to be on top of me at all times, which is fine. I told Jason I have no issues with not doing anything today and can run errands and shop for Christmas dinner tonight at some point. Poor Ethan, though. He just wants to get up on the couch with us and snuggle, too. He spent a good part of the morning climbing up and patting Ellie on the head, reaching in to kiss her, and then trying to wrap his arm around her. She wanted nothing to do with any of it, of course. There were a few cat naps on her part and each time I would slide out from underneath of her to crawl onto the floor with Ethan, she'd wake up and cry. If I went to the kitchen to get more juice or toast, she'd cry. Finally, sometime around 11:00, she was sound enough asleep that I was able to get some playtime in with Ethan. She did wake up around 11:30 and crawled off of the couch and over to us and sat for a few minutes before laying her head on my lap. She's just a rag doll and that makes me so sad. She lays there, lifeless, obviously not feeling well.

Ethan started with terrible diarrhea about 10:30, so I'm preparing myself for the worst.

I hate it when they're sick like this. :( I feel so helpless.

Norovirus

2008-12-22T21:34:00.005-05:00

Norovirus.

Sometime around 5:00 this evening, I received two phone calls. The first was from my hospice coordinator. The second was from one of the hospice facilities that I have a patient in. Both wanted to let me know that I was exposed to the Norovirus yesterday, unknowingly. Two of my patients have it. The facility put up its sign late last night.

Not more than 10 minutes later, I was sitting on the couch talking with my mom and Figgy curled up in my lap (which is very out of character for her...unless she is sick). She got very, very quiet and snuggled in close. All of a sudden, she sat up and looked at me. She was white as a ghost and pointed to her lips. As I stood up with her in my arms to head to the kitchen, I asked her if she was going to throw up. She let out a very pitiful "uh huh" and the flood gates opened. She has been throwing up ever since.

Coincidence, or has the Norovirus invaded our home?

*groans*

Lion cake?!?!

2008-12-22T13:31:00.004-05:00

Okay, here's the deal. We've decided not to do a birthday party this year for the kids. We're going to be doing way too much in the next few weeks and I'm afraid Ethan will be overstimulated. So, between a lack of finances and no desire to repeat last year's debacle (read: the in-laws), we've decided to keep it quiet and lay low. But, I do want to do something special. So, this is what I'm thinking...

I want to make them a lion cake. Or an elephant cake. But, how on earth does a complete non-baker do something like this? I tried a few years ago to make my niece a Barbie birthday cake and it turned out to be a disaster. Part of it was because our oven in the apartment didn't work and it took 2.5 hours to bake the dang thing. The other part? My lack of skills! LOL! Do any of you creative mommas have any idea? I am getting desperate, so desperate that I've thought of purchasing an edible cake picture of a lion off of the internet and just baking a sheet cake. Bah!

For the actual day of their birthday, since my husband will be at work and it will just be the kids and I, I want to take them to one of the local indoor soft playgrounds. And, when they wake up in the morning, I plan on having hundreds of (okay, so maybe just a few dozen) balloons on the floor downstairs. I want to make some safari animal hand puppets, too. I have the thing that I made a while back that is up in their bedroom, but I'm thinking something funner. Michaels must have something. I know I've seen stuff at Walmart in their craft area. (Ugh. I hate the Walmarts in this state. I don't shop there. The one's in Oregon and Colorado are MUCH nicer.)

C'mon, mommas. I need some baking help, here. Is there some easy way for a hopelessly blond non-baker to make a cool cake for her kids?

I've been tagged!

2008-12-20T21:36:00.005-05:00

Amy tagged me! Yay! I was reading your blog and thinking, "This is really fun, I'd love to answer these questions." :D

1.How long have you been together? Gosh, "together, together"? We have known each other for 7 years but didn't start dating until November 1, 2003.

2.How long did we date? 2 years before our wedding.

3. How old is he? 31 (I like 'em young! LOL!)

4. Who eats more? He does.

5. Who said, "I love you," first? Jason did. I was scared of saying those three words.

6. Who is taller? He is, by about an inch and a half/two inches.

7. Who does the laundry? He does! I hate doing the laundry in this house because I'm afraid of the basement.

8. Who does the dishes? It really depends. I do the breakfast and lunch dishes, obviously. We tend to sort of split the dinner dishes, but he probably does them more than I do since I cook.

9. Who sleeps on the right side of the bed? Me! But, it's not set in stone because it depends on where the bed is positioned in the room.

10. Who pays the bills? I pay the bills, but Jason earns the money.

11. Who mows the lawn? The landscaping company! LOL!

12. Who cooks dinner? I do. I'm the one that stays at home, so that's part of my job description.

13. Who is more stubborn? Oh, totally me. It's disturbing, really.

14. Who kissed who first? blushes I did. We went to hug and as his cheek brushed mine, I thought he was going to kiss me, so I leaned in and planted a big one. I remember every moment, much like Amy said. It made me weak in the knees.

15. Who asked who out? Man, this is a hard one. I will say, we owe it all to a very dear friend of ours who was throwing a huge bonfire up in Marshall. I think it was really one of those, "Hey, you wanna go to the party?" sort of things. I'm not sure who did the asking.

16. Who proposed? Jason did. It was very sweet and very romantic, close to Christmas, at a Festival of Lights.

17. Who is more sensitive? I think I'm more overly sensitive about stuff and personalize everything. But, he is definitely one of the most sensitive men I have ever known (next to my brother).

18. Who has more siblings? We have the same number (2).

19. What were you doing ten years ago? That was, when, 1997? Gosh...ten years ago in December, I had come home from San Diego to mend a broken heart. The guy stole $1500 from me and went AWOL from the Navy. My grand plan was to move to Seattle and start over, but I ended up going back to San Diego and partying way too hard.

20. Five things on my to-do list: Christmas cards, hospice in the morning, cut Ellie's hair, get another gift for Jason and plan dinner.

21.Things I would do if I was suddenly made a billionaire. Oh, I love dreaming. I would pay off my student loans, pay off our smaller debt, buy a new vehicle, buy a home, pay back my stepmom and mom, invest some money, have more babies...

22. Three of my bad habits: swearing when I drive (I'm working really hard on this one), impatience, spending money.

23. Five places I have lived: Guam, Okinawa Japan, San Diego California, Monterey California, Jacksonville North Carolina.

24. Five jobs I have had: Selling Christmas trees in Carlsbad, Ca. Cashier at Giant Food Store. Barista and supervisor at Starbucks. Nanny. Loan officer.

25. Things people don't know about me: I had a good laugh at Amy's! :) Let's see... I was a professional clown. I "died" in a car accident the night before my 20th birthday and lost 6 months of memory of that time. I can still close my eyes on a rainy night and hear the sounds of the firetruck and rescue guys around me and feel the warmth of someone's hand holding mine. And, I distinctly remember the warmth of the light that surrounded me.

Look closely...this is really us! LOL! It was taken at one of those picture places on the boardwalk where they take your pic and superimpose it into a cartoon.

Can I tag two of you? Catherine and Amber.

Christmas rush

2008-12-20T21:17:00.004-05:00

In the midst of all the Christmas rush today, an amazing thing happened. I let three people in front of me while driving! LOL! May not sound like much, but if you know me, it's a Christmas miracle! Even my husband said something to me tonight.

We were intending on an early start this morning but, as we've come to learn, the kids rule the start. Of all days, they slept in until 8:45! Normally, we're talking between 7:00 and 7:30 on the weekends, so this was huge. I rolled over in bed and went, "WHAT!?!?" So, once showers were taken, clothes were changed, the dog was walked and breakfast was eaten, we were on the road closer to 11:00. Now, if you live in the DC metro area and are planning any sort of shopping at the mall this close to Christmas, you're taking your life into your own hands. But, we set out with the best of intentions and I kept reminding myself, "the kids are watching, the kids are watching..." The inside of the mall was really not bad, at all. We made all of our stops and grabbed lunch. It was leaving the mall that was insane. Take 15,000 people trying to leave a mall with only two ways in and out, and you've got serious problems. I think it took us 30 minutes? We drove down the road to...*gasp*...Toys-R-Us. The shopping center that the store is in is a joke this time of year and I should have remembered that. In hindsight, I should have chosen to make that stop during the week, at some point. The problem is, Jason's family just got back to us on Thursday about the wish list for the kids. Otherwise, we were all done with our shopping. Surprisingly, the line at TRU zipped along and we were in and out in minutes. It was the leaving, again, that took us nearly 45 minutes just to go 2 miles. By the time we got home, it was nearly 4:00 and the kids had not had naps. Miraculously, they were amazing children all day long and very patient with us. We laid them down for naps and they hit the sack hard. I did wake them up at 5:30, though, because I knew they'd never go to bed tonight. They were so confused! LOL!

Earlier this morning, I popped a new recipe in the slow-cooker and it had been cooking all day while we were out. So, for dinner, we had a delicious beef stroganoff that a friend passed on to us. It was a hit!

After dinner, we changed the kids into their jammies (at this point, it's nearly 7:00) and took them for a surprise car ride out to Bull Run Park. This time of year is my favorite for drives because of the lights. Bull Run hosts a Festival of Lights that is known to be the best in the entire metro DC area. We've never been, so we figured it was a great way to get out for a while and entertain the kids. Five years ago, we went to something similar in Gaithersburg, MD...which is where Jason proposed to me. He wrote a beautiful poem and stopped the car under the arbor of lights at the end of the trail to read it to me and pulled out the ring. *sniff* So, that's the last time we'd been to anything like this. The kids loved it. Lots of "wows" coming from the back made it all worthwhile (even though it was nearly 2 hours past bedtime!).

We were talking on the way home and it has really struck me this year just what Christmas is all about. I mean, I've always known what it's about, of course, but something in me changed this year. For the first time in my life, it's not about me. It's about the children, of course. I want nothing more than to teach them the true meaning of Christmas, to share the joy I feel everytime I look into their eyes, and to make it a special time for them. They are, after all, our Christmas miracles. I'll never be able to quite put it into words, but there has been a profound change in me this Christmas.

I love my family.

So excited!

2008-12-16T17:38:00.003-05:00

You'd think I was the kid this Christmas! LOL! Everyone in the family was asking what the kids wanted, so earlier in the year I started their wish list. Things have been disappearing off of the list, but I didn't realize it until this evening, when the UPS man came to our door. Unfortunately, what was in the box was clearly marked, so I know what they got...I'm just not sure which of you got it for them. But! I'm so excited! The kids are obsessed with safari animals, a theme which was started by their great uncle Steve and great aunt Jeannie. For their first Christmas, they purchased the kids several huge stuffed animals (giant panda, elephant, zebra...) and Figgy sleeps with the panda while The Professor sleeps with the zebra. I found the perfect bedroom set for them that will take them into young childhood and it is a safari theme. Someone we love got them their book displays for Christmas! Yay!

ETA: Please, please, PLEASE - do not get them stuffed animals! Those things are dust magnets and I'll be darned if I end up with boxes of stuffed animals in two years. We've got 6 of them, now, and I'd like to keep it that way. :) I'm looking for bean bag sacks right now so that we can take all of MY stuffed animals from childhood that are in boxes and make use of them. Let's not start something we can't control...that's my new motto!

Our real estate reality.

2008-12-15T21:29:00.003-05:00

So, the cost of living in the Washington D.C. area and surrounding suburbs is ridiculous. We live in a small "town" just 20 minutes outside of the city in Virginia. I have been watching my dream home being built down the street and just noticed the sign go up in the front yard. Mind you, the homes around it are the typical "cracker box" style homes...all one level, box-like, surrounded by 100 year old maple and oak trees. It's small town America and I do love it here, but this is proof of why we'll never be able to stay.

The cost of this beautiful home? $1,250,000.00 A home like this in, let's say, Cary, NC where we're looking would cost a fraction of this house. And, to top it all off? This house has really no land associated with it. The entire lot size is 0.24 acres.

Just to give you more of an idea, we live in a four bedroom townhome that is 1800 sq. ft. They are enormous for this area and we're exactly one mile from a metro station. The home in the next court that is comparable to ours (not nearly as nice, curb appeal-wise) is selling for $389,000.00. For a townhome!

Bake, bake, bake!

2008-12-14T21:27:00.004-05:00

Today was an unusually productive day in our home. We arose before the sun thanks to a (still) sick little girl, hopped in the shower, ate breakfast, and went grocery shopping. Then, when we came home, I had two loaves of Amish friendship bread to bake, which got me in the mood for more baking. When all was said and done, I made two loaves of the bread, four dozen sugar cookies (with homemade frosting!) and homemade spaghetti sauce for dinner. In the middle of all of that, I managed to sneak an hour nap on the couch while my husband watched the debacle of a football game (Skins) and the kids napped. As I've mentioned before, Figgy is sick. She came down with a URI last Saturday and the cough has gotten worse. Last night, she could not stop coughing and today she was just miserable with a fever (later in the evening). After dinner, I laid down on the couch with Figgy and she fell asleep (drool and snot all over mommy's shirt, thank you very much). I told Jason to go ahead and take Ethan up for bath since she was sound asleep and snoring. Do you know that as soon as Jason said, "Ethan. Bath, let's go!", that Ellie sat straight up and said, "Ready!" She wobbled as she got down, still half asleep but determined that she was not going to miss a bath! LOL!

After bath, she climbed up on my tummy and Ethan decided he needed to be up there with us...so this is the picture that resulted...(I am cut out because it was a TERRIBLE picture!).

This is Ethan's eye, day two.

It seems that today was the day for baking in our neighborhood because our favorite neighbor knocked on our door with a tray full of homemade goodies. She made chocolate peppermint bark, chocolate matzo (Greek thing), coconut macaroons (I'm allergic, but Jason loves them), homemade biscotti and some Chex thing where you dip them in chocolate-peanut butter and drench them in powdered sugar. I am so not at that level of baking, yet! LOL!

Our first real emergency.

2008-12-13T21:16:00.004-05:00

Well, I suppose the age of (almost) 2 is as good a time as any, right? I'm still second guessing myself for not rushing to urgent care, though.

We had a party at our neighbor's house this evening for her daughter. It was a birthday party/get-together/haven't seen our neighbors since the weather got cold sort of thing. We're very close with our little set of neighbors. There are six houses in the corner lot here with kids under the age of 4. In the summer, we all sit outside and let the kids run around and just generally have a good time. I enjoy their company, immensely, and look to the moms for advice in child rearing. Anyway, we walked next door a little after 4:00 and were chatting away. As the house started to fill, kids starting running around and pretty soon I heard Heather (our neighbor) calling because Ethan was hurt, pretty badly. My husband got to him before I could because I ran around the opposite side of the house with the kids' plate of food to put in the kitchen (because I couldn't leave it sitting where it would get spilled). As I got to them, there were plenty of, "Oh my goshes" and "that's going to swell." Jason walked back into the living room with me following and Ethan screaming and reaching for me. At first glance, it appeared as though nothing was terribly wrong and it was just a head bump. Then, my husband's face whitened and he said, "Oh, honey." I grabbed Ethan and was in shock at what I saw. I kicked into mommy drive and scooped him up and headed for the kitchen for ice. My neighbor was frantic, I feel so badly because I think she felt just terrible about Ethan. I took Ethan upstairs to the bedroom and sat with him in the rocking chair, trying to soothe him. Ice is a terrible thing, but a necessary evil. I put the ice pack under my shirt and laid his head against my shoulder, singing to him. He was screaming much like you would expect a child in pain and having ice held to his head would scream. Thankfully, our other neighbor got there shortly after this happened and came up to check on us. I just love Kristy. She's a smart cookie with several years of biology and other training under her belt. (Plus, she has two rambuncious boys.) Everyone felt the injury didn't warrant a trip to the emergency room, so I agreed to sit for a few minutes with Ethan and see what happened. The swelling seemed to decrease and it didn't seem to have any effect on his eyesight. He did, however, cling to me for the next hour and a half and didn't have much to say to anyone. This is what his eye looked like after an hour and a half...

The pictures don't really do it justice, but you can get an idea of what it looks like. The red spot is not an open wound, so stitches would not have been necessary. My only concern was that the swelling seemed to be causing an issue with his vision, but there is nothing that they could have done for that. Concussion-wise, he maintained full consciousness for three and a half hours before bedtime and didn't seem to have any lasting effects. He was playing normally by the end of the evening.

Still, I find myself second guessing the decision to stay home. Everyone around me was convinced I shouldn't waste our time at the urgent care clinic or emergency room and that it was your everyday, run of the mill, boys will be boys accident.

*sigh*

This mom thing is hard, sometimes.

Seems appropriate.

2008-12-12T13:03:00.002-05:00

I received this in my e-mail this morning from a friend. It's funny how things like this come when we least expect it. My life has felt so out of control these past few months and it's important to hear things like this.

Fully Committed to Now
Why We Are Not Shown the Big Picture Sometimes, we may find ourselves wishing we knew what our lives are going to look like or what gifts and challenges are going to be presented to us in the coming months or years. We may want to know if the relationship we’re in now will go the distance or if our goals will be realized. Perhaps we feel like we need help making a decision and we want to know which choice will work out best. We may consult psychics, tarot cards, our dreams, and many other sources in the hopes of finding out what the future holds. Usually, at most, we may catch glimpses. And even though we think we would like to know the whole story in all its details, the truth is that we would probably be overwhelmed and exhausted if we knew everything that is going to happen to us.

Just think of your life as you’ve lived it up to this point. If you are like most of us, you have probably done more and faced more than you could have ever imagined. If someone had told you as a child of all the jobs and relationships you would experience, along with each one’s inherent ups and downs, you would have become overwhelmed. With your head full of information about the future, you would have had a very hard time experiencing your life in the present moment, which is where everything actually happens.

In many ways, not knowing what the future has in store brings out in us the qualities we need to grow. For example, it would have been difficult to commit yourself to certain people or projects if you knew they wouldn’t ultimately work out. Yet, it was through your commitment to see them through that you experienced the lessons you needed to grow. Looking back on your life, you would likely be hard pressed to say that anything in your past should not have happened. In fact, your most challenging experiences with their inevitable lessons may have ultimately brought you the greatest rewards. Not knowing the future keeps us just where we need to be—fully committed and in the present moment.

A post sure to cause raised eyebrows.

2008-12-11T16:25:00.002-05:00

I'm having one of those days. They don't happen often...maybe twice since I became a mom?

Whining all morning. Couldn't figure out the cause, so I couldn't correct it. Nap lasted less than an hour. We are now in full meltdown mode and I have had to remove myself from the living room and come upstairs before I lose my mind. I can hear toys being thrown down the stairs to the basement. I can hear napkins being ripped apart as they dig through the china cabinet hutch. Ethan stood in the hallway for 33 minutes, screaming as he has taken to doing as of late, for no reason that I could determine. Ellie is, literally, grabbing everything in her reach out of sheer frustration and I can't determine what she's frustrated about...my drink...the tissues...the remote control....she turns the tv on and then turns it all the way up. They are being abnormally destructive today. The tree has tipped twice, been turned all the way around, cords are everywhere and the walls have been scratched to holy hell. I am within minutes of spanking both kids and sending them to bed for the night. And the best is yet to come. I still have to fight with them to put on their coats and shoes, load them into the car, and go get Jason from work. Ethan will scream all the way there, as he has been for the last week. The minute we get in the car, the pointing and screaming begins.

Today, I hate being a mother. I am ready to ship my kids off to boarding school in Switzerland.

Shhhh....

2008-12-10T21:30:00.003-05:00

If you mute the hockey game that's currently playing on our television (GOOO CAPS!), you can hear the soft sounds of a buzz saw coming from the next room. That would be my son.

*chuckles*

2008-12-09T21:42:00.003-05:00

So, when I was trying to come up with something for my little profile blurb, I tried to give some of you an idea of the person I am. It's not a great glimpse, but I keep going back to something I wrote. "My kids are the first thing I've done right in my life, but I still feel like I never seem to do anything good enough." I've been thinking a lot about this lately. I do feel like that most of the time...that I never seem to do anything good enough. But, I think I'm selling myself a little short because as I look at the kids, I am snapped into the reality that I am (excuse my ego) doing a damn fine job with them. We are. Of course, Jason is my partner in life and in parenting. But, as a SAHM, I am responsible for so much of their raising, schedules, and morals. I can't help but feel a bit of pride when I'm out with the kids and they say hello and wave to everyone they see. As we were leaving Target the other day, they were waving goodbye to the cashier and Elizabeth hollered, "bye-bye, love you!" Yes, folks, we are Target regulars. They constantly surprise me with moments of pure love between the two of them. They sneak a hug here and there, hold hands when they think no one is looking, and are the first ones to comfort each other when it is needed. If I'm disciplining Elizabeth because she took my water bottle and hid it, Ethan will stop what he is doing and go find it without me knowing it. He will bring it to me and then put his arm around his sister, as if to say, "I got your back." They are learning manners. They are helping to put away their toys before naps and bedtime. They are extraordinarily affectionate with me.

I am a success with my children. If nothing else in my life, at least I have that. (Let's talk in 14 years when they're 16 and hate me.)

In all of this, however, I am accutely aware that I never would have made it this far without the help and support of my on-line twin momma friends. I've met one of you, only talked to a few of you, but hope that you know that I gather strength and purpose from each of you as you walk before me.

A few fun shares....

2008-12-06T21:48:00.003-05:00

I found this in a magazine and will be purchasing it for the kids' second birthday. It's the Twilight Sea Turtle from The Twilight Collection and cloud*b. There are three options (the ladybug, turtle and sea turtle) and I chose this one because it teaches children about endangered animals (a passion in our family). We've had some issues with Ethan and bedtime as of late, and I'm hopeful that this will give him (and Elizabeth) something to draw their attention to.

Another magazine find this weekend took me to crazy8 children's clothing. I'm sure you moms know all about this site...but I couldn't help but share it, just in case. They're having a 60% off sale and I found jammies for $7.99 (originally $16.99).

I recently started trying to organize various areas in the house. It's a huge undertaking and I'm quite certain that I will never be done. But, one area that has undergone a huge transformation is our linen closet. When I fold the sheets, I now put them inside one of the matching pillowcases. Instant organization and no more digging for matching pillowcases! It looks neat, too. If you're anything like us, you have things piled high. Our top shelf is reserved for the sheets because it goes all the way up to the ceiling (about three feet). So, I'd reach for the sheets and everything else would fall out. No more! Yay!

Another closet that is undergoing a transformation of sorts is our tupperware closet. The lids were giving me such a hassle that I got a basket and all of them fit in it! Now, I just reach in the basket and find the coordinating lid. Voila!

In more personal news, I chopped off my hair. My husband is devastated. I'm relieved. But, my neck is cold! :)

Doctors offices and waiting.

2008-12-06T14:41:00.002-05:00

Why is it doctors office waits can be so miserably long? I mean, if we (as patients) show up late, we're shown the door (only happened to me once, though). I've seen it happen a number of times. But, I've NEVER been seen on-time for an appointment - even if I've got the first appointment of the morning. Today I called to get a sick appointment for Elizabeth and was told to be there at 12:20. We arrived at 12:15 (because I always try to be places early) and do you know we waited until 1:50 to be seen? We were the last appointment of the day. 1:50!?!?!? An hour and a half past our appointment time. You better believe I didn't apologize or try to make Elizabeth stop fussing and screaming. I just sat there and let her do it. I would have joined along, if I thought it would make a difference.

Turns out she has a severe upper respiratory infection and gastroenteritis (fancy speak for diarrhea.) The URI came on so suddenly; literally within less than 6 hours. Very weird stuff!

Sleep

2008-12-06T07:40:00.002-05:00

Ethan. Again. Up twice, screamed for 38 minutes the first time and 45 minutes the second time until Jason couldn't take it anymore and went to get him. By the 45th minute, he was hysterical and gasping for breath. Then, Elizabeth chimed in. They were in our bed the second time for about 35 minutes and we took them back to bed.

Update on us.

2008-12-05T13:11:00.002-05:00

Not much to report here from cold, expensive Virginia. I had my ultrasound today and, just to put my husband's mind at ease, the tech did a thorough check and was able to tell him with 100% certainty that there was only one (very healthy, big) baby in there. (As if we didn't already know this!) The problem is this little bugger wouldn't sit still or cooperate. We were in the room for an hour and she spent a good 20 minutes just trying to get a picture. She even brought another tech into the room because she couldn't get certain angles. The one sure piece of information is that they definitely know what the sex is. Thankfully, they didn't share that info with us. The doctor didn't realize that we didn't want to know, so he never warned us that he was entering that territory when he was scanning (the doc scans after the tech, just to double check). So, I have a feeling I know what I'm having. But, I can't be 100% positive. :) The tech did tease us on our way out and wanted us to know that she knows... LOL! In the early stages of this pregnancy, the ob had one date set for a due date. The specialist felt it was a week later. They've argued back and forth about this and today we discovered that the baby is actually measuring closer to the original doctor's due date. But, the specialist won't change the date he has put down. My uterus is large (duh!) and the baby weighs nearly a pound. All throughout the sonogram, I was having to switch places from back to side and doing a lot of wiggling of the belly. In the beginning, the baby just wouldn't stay put and kept kicking and punching towards the wand. At one point, he/she gave the thumbs up sign before turning over and away from the wand. My placenta is anterior, just as I suspected it was, which is the reason I can't feel such a defined amount of movement. If the baby wasn't turned over and away from the camera, he/she was covering his/her face with his/her arm. Quite amusing, but frustrating, as we were hoping to have some good pictures. I'm sure we'll end up with a few more as the pregnancy comes to an end. I have to be seen every 4 weeks from this point on, then every 2 after we hit a certain point. I guess I'll never *not* be considered high risk. Either way, it doesn't matter. The baby is healthy!

I want to take this opportunity to express, out loud, my hopes for a natural childbirth. LOL! I know, insane. But, as this will be our last baby, I want to experience it all. The c-section was easy as punch, if I were to be honest, and I really lucked out in that regard. I hear a lot of really negative stuff about c-sections. The experience wasn't at all what I had hoped, because I didn't get to see them as they were yanked from my belly, but the recovery was a breeze. I honestly think that has to do with me having all of the tubes and such removed within 20 hours and was up and walking with a shower taken. But, I simply cannot handle not having control of my body for that long. The feeling (or lack thereof) from the epidural was incredibly uncomfortable and I don't want to experience that again. I may very well change my mind as the pain comes on, but I'm hoping I can get through it. My level of pain tolerance is unusually high.

The kids are doing well. Ethan has been having some serious meltdowns as of late and I'm not sure what that's all about. He will, literally, scream as though his fingernails are being ripped out one by one...and I have no idea what he wants. It's frustrating. Elizabeth has become super cuddly and will climb into my lap and wrap her little arms around my neck and snuggle for 20 minutes at a time. VERY unusual for her! They are really talking up a storm now and it gives me great hope. They are also spending a lot of time talking to each other in jibberish. They did this as babies, too, but this seems to be more deliberate and well defined. And, it's definite conversations instead of a few words here and there. As long as the English continues expanding, I'm not going to worry myself about it. :)

Ethan

2008-12-01T07:58:00.003-05:00

Saturday started with another unknown fever of 102. Saturday night he was projectile vomiting. Sunday morning, fever still present. Better in the afternoon, evening with another fever. Fever broke before bedtime. Spent several hours waking up screaming.

Jason called in sick today so that I can go back to bed. I'm calling the doc later and asking to have a repeat VCUG done to rule out the return of the hydronephrosis. I have no other ideas, but there has to be something to this high fever every month to month and a half.

Happy Thanksgiving!

2008-11-27T21:44:00.003-05:00

What a beautiful day this turned out to be. I had the turkey in the oven by 9:51 and everything was finished at the same time and on the table in time! We even were able to eat before the kids woke up from their extended naps! Bonus! Everything was fantastic, if I do say so myself, and the turkey was the most tender it has ever been. The kids woke up around 3:40-ish and came down to eat. Not a lot was consumed, but Figgy did devour my turkey. Not bad for a self-imposed vegetarian who was eating tofu this time last year. :) I even managed to clean as I was cooking, so there wasn't much to do after dinner. Of course, I didn't have to do any of the post-dinner cleaning. That's the best part of doing all that cooking. I did, however, curl up on the couch and curse myself for eating too much. I seem to have forgotten (momentary lapse in judgement) that I can't eat as much anymore. Something about a baby in your belly that does that to ya...

I have to tell you, I had a small knot in my tummy all day because I knew we'd be venturing up to have dessert at the in-laws. I'm always on edge when it comes to them because we really don't get along, but they took care of it for me. We were supposed to be there around 5:00...these people are NEVER on-time for anything, remember that? So, they call to see if we're still coming and we tell them we are. They ask if we can come at 5:30, instead. No problem; it just means they spend 30 minutes less with their grandkids. It's a 35-40 minute drive (maybe longer on a holiday), so we figure we'll head out at 5:00. As we're getting ready to walk out the door, I check the phone and see that they called us. Excuses, excuses, excuses galore...and they want to know if we'll come closer to 6:00. Of course, we both look at each other and know that there is no way in hell they'll be done with their dinner by 6:00. They never are; the one Thanksgiving they've hosted since Jason and I have been together, they were almost an hour and a half late with dinner. So, the decision was made that we were not going to waste our time, putting the kids in the car only to drive 40 minutes and spend 45 minutes with them. It's just not worth it to either of us. Talk about relief! I'm so glad that they messed up again and it wasn't me being the bad guy and bailing out on them. So, since we were all ready to go outside anyway, we loaded the kids into the stroller, grabbed the dog, and went for a nice long walk. It was a wonderful way to spend the evening! When we got home, we unloaded and got the kids their milk, settled down to watch tv and in walks my brother and his family. It was such a great way to end the day and the kids were rubbing their eyes and ready for bed by 7:45.

Once everyone was in bed, I curled up on the couch with Jason and fell asleep as he rubbed my back. It was warm in the house, my tummy was full, the baby was kicking, kids were asleep and I was safe and sound in my husband's arms. What more could a girl ask for, really? I let the dog out just a few minutes ago and walked the trash up the driveway. I looked up and the sky was clear, the stars were shining, and I swear I saw a shooting star.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade

2008-11-27T11:36:00.003-05:00

I'm sure I'll have more tonight, but I wanted to express my disappointment...

So, normally I don't watch this but decided to join my husband and the kids to see what all the hype was about. I'm not a big parade sort of person, but it's really the only thing on tv, it's important to Jason, and I'm busy with the turkey. (Taking a break to shower and check e-mail!) Now, I should also start this off by saying I am normally NOT like this. I'm one of those sorts of people that says, "If you don't like it, turn it off...don't read it...blah, blah, blah." That said, I do feel like there is way too much leeway in television programming these days. I didn't get the big deal about Janet Jackson's wardrobe "malfunction" during the Super Bowl.

But, when I'm sitting down to watch a HOLIDAY parade that everyone knows is going to be watched by young families around the country, I expect it to be tasteful. I expect the songs to be geared towards the holiday or children. I do not expect to hear the only black recording artist talking about slipping out of her lingerie and into nothing but her boyfriend's t-shirt. I do not expect to watch her sliding her hand down her leg, near her private area. What in the hell is that all about?!?! Is that all the black recording artists today can sing about? All of those artists that I grew up listening to (Stevie Wonder, Aretha Franklin...) never resorted to that. It disgusts me. It's inappropriate on a program such as this one and I'm extremely disappointed in the parade organizers.

And, did anyone else notice that the ONLY singer on the floats that sang live was none other than my favorite? James Taylor... The rest of 'em can't sing a live song to save their stinkin' lives. Ugh. What happened to the decent music I grew up listening to?

Monday, Monday...

2008-11-24T21:54:00.002-05:00

What a crazy day! Figgy was out of her mind this afternoon and had all of us laughing at dinner. She has decided that she likes to have one arm out of her shirt so that it sits at an angle across her shoulders. On top of that, she found one of her old infant headbands that was stretchy and put it around her neck. It has a bow on it. She looked like a little exotic dancer. And to top it all off? She climbed up on the dining room table and started dancing.

I nearly spit out my soup.

Jason and I got out of the house tonight for a few hours and it was heaven. We've decided to take a proactive approach to our marriage and started counseling tonight. We did a few sessions a few months ago, but decided it was time to find someone we both felt comfortable with. The last lady told us, after two sessions, that she didn't feel we needed counseling and that we were one of the more healthy couples that she had seen in ages. Well, we sort of disagree, so I found a new guy. Our insurance page states that he has an office here in town, so I called and made an appointment last week. Turns out he closed that office and opened one up in his home, which is about 20 minutes away, near the University. We LOVED him. My husband isn't one to just open up and start talking, but this guy made him feel comfortable and he just wouldn't stop talking. The one thing we really liked about him was that he got what we were trying to say to him - that we feel as though our marriage is #1 priority. While our kids are absolutely important to us, we're both pretty set on the idea that without us, there is no family. We want to be healthy for them and to give them a healthy example of what a family and a marriage is about. Neither of us had that example growing up. I mean, let's face it, his mom came right out and told us two months ago that she wouldn't marry his dad if she had it to do over again. So, you can only imagine the example that they set. My husband, unfortunately, is one that believes you stay together for the sake of the kids, no matter what. I, on the other hand, feel like the very best thing my parents ever did for us was to divorce. What I do know, though, is that I want my marriage to work out and sometimes I think you need a little help to get back on track and refocus. So, that's what we're doing. I think we've lost that sense of priority and we need some help getting it back. No, we're not on the verge of divorce. No, we're not on the verge of separation. No, we don't hate each other. As a matter of fact, we love each other very much and still spend each night cuddling and chatting. It's just a simple refresher course, so to speak.

Anyway, we love this guy, like I said. He gives good feedback and he's honest. He had us both pegged by the end of the evening - my husband is the fixer and needs to resolve everything immediately. I, on the other hand, can hold a grudge like the best of 'em and need to learn to let some things go. Who knew?!?! LOL!

Mom tells me that the kids were famously good for her (of course!). She gave them ice cream (only grandma does that) and, by the end of the evening, they would get a spoonful and go, "Mmmm, mmmm, mmmm!" Thanks, mom! LOL!

My gratitude for the day:

I'm so thankful that I have the ability to see that my marriage needs a refresher and that I'm not running for the hills, ready to give up. That's always been my m.o. and I thank God that he put someone in my life that I feel like fighting for and spending the rest of my life loving.

Sunday, Sunday, Sunday...

2008-11-23T21:40:00.002-05:00

I need to be reassured, here, because I'm beginning to feel like the only parent in the world who is experiencing this.

We seem to have hit a stage with the twins where it is impossible to take them to other peoples homes. First of all, unless we're going to a home with toddlers, I can't expect it to be childproof. The kids are into EVERYTHING now and can be destructive (normal, I'm thinking). After just an hour, they seem to be overwhelmed, overstimulated and exhausted. So, meltdowns occur and we excuse ourselves. On the way home, and for at least another 30 minutes, Ethan is in full force meltdown mode. I have found, thanks to my sleep journal for Ethan, that he ends up waking up several times in the middle of the night. Over stimulation, perhaps? I'm not sure... Is this just a phase? Is it solely my children? I'm bailing out of turkey day dessert with the in-laws because their home is nowhere near toddler friendly and I just can't handle it. We may even bail out of Christmas Eve festivities at my husband's aunt and uncle's home (an hour and a half away). Is this a normal thing?

I have to vent a little, too. We had that surprise party for a friend of mine this evening, who was turning 40. I checked ahead of time, before deciding to bring the kids, and made sure it was going to be a child friendly sort of thing. They were so excited that I was going to bring the kids and I was assured that it was kid friendly. Apparently my idea of child friendly and their idea of child friendly are two completely different things. We walked into a museum quality home. There were friggin knick-knacks everywhere. The hostess came into the living room, after we got there, and put a bunch of candles on the coffee table and began to light them. I promptly blew them out and explained that I didn't think it was such a good idea to have those lit at that level. Then, she brings out a big bowl of peanuts. I waited for her to leave the room and put them up higher, out of the line of sight. Then, she comes in with juice and hands it to the kids without asking me. I just handed them back and thanked her, to which she said, "Oh. You're one of those moms, huh?" I was like, "Excuse me? It's past 5:30 and we try not to give them any liquids after that." Obviously, I've never met this woman; she was a friend of the friend. So, then, she decides that the kids need toys and I was grateful for that because they were getting antsy. We had to put the harnesses on them early on because there was a large set of stairs within feet of this little living room that everyone was crammed into. She brings up little legos and Polly Pocket dolls. !?!?! I was like, "Um, thank you so much for the offer, but those really are too small for them to play with. We're just fine with what I have here." I mean, really? It was a disaster. She insisted, later, that I send the kids downstairs with her 8 year old so that she could keep an eye on them. So, we took that as our cue that it was probably time to leave. *sigh*

Ethan was miserable all the way home. We got home and he just screamed for 20 minutes. I put them in their jammies and brought them upstairs for bed, since it was 8:15 and well past bedtime. He screamed for 30 minutes. I'm quite certain that we'll be up at 2:00, as is usually the course.

I feel like, if a party is not going to be kid friendly, perhaps that should be revealed when the parent calls to check? I mean, when I called, I'd much rather be told that the house really isn't appropriate for little kids so that I could find alternative care for them. It would have been much more enjoyable for everyone involved if I left the kids at home.

This week is going to be a super busy one! Tomorrow I have to hang new curtains in the kitchen (we got cafe-style so that it's easier to see outside) and do some laundry. I really do have to get the second dresser built, but my rheumatoid arthritis has kicked in to full force and it's hard to do it. Tuesday evening, my 8-year old neice is coming to spend the night. We love having her here; the kids are just mad about her and she is just as mad about them. :) Plus, she wears them out! LOL! (I hear they do the same to her, though.) She's a great "big sister" to them and we're lucky to have her.

Gratitude:
My friends, both IRL and cyber. I couldn't have ever made it through these years with the twins without the ladies I've met on-line. Your support has been invaluable.

Long-sleeved shirts and yoga pants. LOL! Goodness, I'd live in my yoga pants if I could.

Toe socks.

Snuggle time with my husband.

A fun weekend, so far.

2008-11-22T20:38:00.004-05:00

On a spur of the moment sort of thing, we decided to hop in the car and head to Gravelly Point. This is my husband's favorite thing to do in DC, so he was eager and excited! :) We bundled the kids up and figured we'd run around the bike path and soccer field to keep them entertained. Luckily, there weren't too many planes taking off, so it wasn't too loud. The kids had a blast! Ethan, unfortunately, is just like me in some ways. We both have very poor circulation in our hands and feet, so it can become a miserable situation when it's bitter cold outside. Even with his little mittens on, his hands were raw and red by the time we got back in the car and he was just miserable. Part of that, of course, was because he was plumb tuckered out. Elizabeth, true to form, was raring to go and chattered all the way home. After about 30 minutes of sobbing, Ethan finally passed out. All of a sudden, out of the backseat, we heard him softly snoring away. Elizabeth said, "Nigh-nigh" as she pointed at Ethan and waved.

We lazed around most of the rest of the afternoon, after nap time. The kids are absolutely loving the Christmas decorations. I can't describe it, but this feels like it's going to be the best Christmas I can remember. I'm so excited to see their little faces every single time they come down from naps. They make such a big deal about snowmen (no-men, as Figgy says), Santa (ho-ho-ho, as Prof. says) and the lights. I can't wait for the neighborhood lights to start going up and we can drive around to see them. The neighborhood up the street (over 300 houses) all do luminaries from the entrance to their neighborhood, all the way through. The first time I saw that was when I was a little girl and we were in Albuquerque for Christmas. We were on our way to a new duty station and that's where we stopped for a few days. The hotel staff was fantastic with us and had a small, decorated tree waiting for us in our room (4-foot tree). It was probably the best Christmas I can remember as a child. Mom drove us around town on Christmas Eve to look at all the lights and luminaries along the roads. It was magical. :)

Tomorrow we have a busy day ahead of us. I have hospice duties in the morning and then shopping for turkey dinner. Every year, for the last five years, I've made the same few main dishes that are an absolute hit. Maple-Roasted Turkey with Sage Butter, Smoked Bacon and Cornbread stuffing. This year, I'm not making the cornbread stuffing. We'll do something different. Paula Deen's Green Bean Casserole. Yummy! And, Wayne's Cranberry Sauce. I substitute Sparkling Cider for the Grand Marnier.

Then, after naps, we've got a suprise party to go to in the early evening. None of these people have seen Figgy and The Professor since they were newborns, so it should be fun. :)

Oh...real quick. Last Sunday morning, before I headed out to see my patients, I got a call from my coordinator at hospice. She left a message for me because she wanted to warn me about what I'd find when I went to see my favorite patient. Well, nothing could have ever prepared me for what I found and I burst into tears when I saw her. She's a sweet little 96-year old Italian woman. Unfortunately, her family isn't very well off and they had to put her in the local state-run facility. It's a hell hole and I detest going to visit her there. The staff is horrible. It stinks, it's dirty and it's just...well, a hell hole. As I walked into the sunroom, where she was sitting in her wheelchair, I put my stuff down on the table like I normally do. I went to bend down in front of her to take her hands and tell her that I was here...her face was BLACK. She had a knot on her temple the size of a baseball (I kid you not!). Her eyes were swollen nearly shut. Someone had beaten her. I couldn't stop crying and had to remove myself from the room for a few minutes until I gathered my composure. When I went in, she was just not herself. Normally, I'll sit and chat with her for a few minutes and then she'll fall asleep holding my hand. I just sit there, quietly, and read while I hold her hand. This time, she wanted me to sit so close to her and hold both hands, with one arm around her for comfort. She kept saying, "She hates me. Help me." Nothing else made sense, which is not unusual for her. It was a very difficult visit for me and I called my coordinator in tears when I left the facility. We're in the process of an investigation and the family has contacted the state licensing board. We'll see what happens, but it just kills me that there are people in jobs like this that do these sorts of things.

Because I can't get enough of taking pictures! :)

2008-11-20T21:37:00.002-05:00

If I could figure out how to post a video (I'll work on it), I'd share with you all a snippet of what our late afternoon was like. Remember, Ethan is operating on a minimum amount of sleep and took a 20 minute nap, followed by a bit of screaming, followed by a 15 minute nap. To say he is grumpy is an understatement. I caught a few seconds of him losing his temper with Elizabeth when she went over to play with him and their race track. Picture him screaming like a banshee and her running in the opposite direction, screaming and throwing herself on the floor. Funny!

But, I did catch a few fun moments of peace and playfulness...

The sleep saga continues...

2008-11-20T13:59:00.003-05:00

I am going to lose my mind. Ethan has continued to wake up every night. Yesterday, naps lasted all of 50 minutes. He was a nasty bear by 4:00. This morning it was 5:45 and he had no interest in going back to bed. Great. He was nasty to be around all day. Nap? 2o minutes. He proceeds to wake his sister up, who was sound asleep. He has now gone back to sleep after 30 minutes of screaming and left her awake and pissed off. I honestly don't know what to do anymore. I've tried putting my pillow case in with him and he throws it out because it's not blankie and that's all he wants in his crib. I haven't changed ANYTHING else, other than the sheet, and that gets changed all the time. I cannot continue down this path. I'm frustrated and ready to jump out the bedroom window right now.

Does it make me a mean, terrible mother if I leave them in there until 3:00, when they would normally get up? I can't find my sleep bible! Dr. Weissbluth, what would you say???

:(

Digging out the holiday decorations!

2008-11-20T13:08:00.003-05:00

Okay, so I'm a dweeb (and a kid at heart). I had to start decorating the house for Christmas. It gives the kids something new to entertain them and it puts me in the festive spirit. Don't worry, I'm holding off as looooooong as I can to put the tree up. :) We'll do that, as we normally do, the weekend after turkey day. I'm having a blast watching their reactions to everything this year. Last year, they were only 11 months old, so it was much different. Now they squeal and ooh whenever I pull something out or turn on the lights.

Today, one of the boxes had our Winnie-the-Pooh Santa hat in it. Figgy is having a blast with that and likes to put it on and pull it down over her eyes and wander around bumping into things. She laughs hysterically, with The Professor following closely behind her. Of course, as it seems to be the case in my life, I was seconds too late with the camera. This is a picture of her in the process of playing peek-a-boo with me (pulling the hat down, then back up).

My gratitude...
Simplicity.
Cloudy days.
Nap time.

Where we spend a few hours once a week...

2008-11-19T12:45:00.003-05:00

Now that the weather is cooler, I've been trying to keep the kids entertained while still getting out of the house. There are a few places I want to check out but, in the meantime, this is a great outing! At the end of the runway at Reagan National Airport, there is a park called Gravelly Point. It's nestled along the river and overlooks the entire skyline. Across the river is Bolling and the Navy base. We don't get out of the car because it's just way too loud for the kids right now, but I pack a bag of snacks and drinks and we hang out in the front seat watching the planes take off and land. It's a great time killer and the kids have so much fun! When they get older, we'll be able to take picnics and play soccer and such. :)

Anyway, this is our day, today and the views.

I so desperately need a new camera. :(

Bedtime anxiety

2008-11-17T20:26:00.002-05:00

I don't know what to do. I'll admit it, right now, we've been extremely fortunate with our kids and bedtime. We have our nightly routine and that involves milk, jammies, and then the 5-minute warning. Depending on the status of naps, bedtime ranges from 7:30-8:00, but never later. When it is time for bed, we announce it and the kids jump up from whatever it is they're doing and head for the gate. They climb the stairs and go straight to their rooms and we don't normally hear from them until 7:30 the next morning.

Well, two days ago, we had some issues arise. Figgy wanted extra mommy time on Saturday night and I snuggled with her for a bit. The Professor has taken to screaming fits where he can, and will, make himself hysterical and start gagging. Both nights I have gone in to find him standing in the corner of his crib, closest to the bedroom door, clutching his blankie as tight as can be, reaching for me. His face is covered in baby snot (sorry, tmi!) and he has tears streaming down his face. Last night, I snuggled with him for about 30 minutes before bringing him back to his own bed, where he was fine. While in bed with me, he chatted about all of the words he knows.

He is at it, again, tonight. This time, however, we tried something new and snuggled for 10 minutes BEFORE bedtime. That didn't cut it, apparently. He has been near hysterics for 30 minutes, now, and I'm so torn about what to do. If I continue to go to him, I'm terrified that I will start a pattern of behavior that will be impossible to stop. If I don't go to him, I'm afraid he'll make himself sick or feel abandoned.

Wait...silence...shhhh....maybe he gave up???

Damn. Nope.

Any thoughts about what course of action I should take? Nothing new has changed. The bedroom is still the same. I did change the sheets on Saturday night...would that do this? No, it couldn't, could it?

You know, I think he stops every few minutes to listen. Is that even possible?

My gratitude for the day is for short, 5 minute cat naps on the couch when dinner is cooking and my husband is home.

Time and love.

2008-11-17T16:17:00.002-05:00

You know, if I had a dime for every time I'm asked the same question, I'd be able to put a large dent in our student loans. "Do you think you'll have enough to give to another baby?" Of course, sometimes it's phrased differently, but you get the idea. I guess the people asking have never struggled with fertility and the idea that they'd never be able to have a family of their own because this thought has never entered my mind. I have more than enough love to go around. I'm also asked how I think the kids will respond and if it worries me. You know, I've never really even thought about it. Much like the dog issue, it's just not a concern. When I was pregnant with the twins, EVERYONE asked me when we were getting rid of our dog. ??? What, since we're now ready to add to our family, we have to get rid of another family member? How does that work, exactly? I adopted Bay (rather, she picked me out) and it was never a question of what we would do with her. I've always said, "The babies will learn to adjust to having a dog." Not the other way around. They have to learn to deal with her and be nice to her. And, at some point, they'll have to learn that she is in charge of them and, when she tells them that she's had enough playing, they'll have to learn to stop.

I'm confident that the kids will adjust to having a new sibling and I'll learn to adjust to splitting myself between the three. I've learned to adjust to life as a mom of twins, so I'm capable of anything.

For Amber....

2008-11-16T20:10:00.002-05:00

Here ya go! :)

This is the site that Angel referred me to; it has lots of info.

Here is Maryland's petition.

Virginia State Twin Legislation Bill

2008-11-15T19:55:00.001-05:00

Please sign it! It should be our right, as parents, to decide whether to split our children up in school - not the state's right.

http://www.petitiononline.com/vatwins/petition.html

Making up...

2008-11-15T19:50:00.002-05:00

I've got some making up to do on my gratitude list!

I'm grateful for my ability to hear. I was walking the dog this morning and realized what a neat sound the rain makes when it hits the maple leaves that are all over the sidewalks and grass. And, in the woods next to our house...the sounds that the rain makes as it hits all the trees and water. It's an amazing thing.

I'm grateful for rainbows. In the midst of the gloomy day, the sky opened up and an enormous rainbow appeared, making everything look beautiful.

I'm grateful for extra-strength, fast acting Tylenol. LOL!

Every night, when I collapse, I thank my husband for letting us get a new bed a few years ago. It's like sleeping on a cloud.

And, finally, my dog. I'm thankful that she picked me at that adoption fair four years ago.

Guinness Book of World Records!

2008-11-14T22:25:00.002-05:00

I am going to enter my daughter into the GBoWR. I am convinced that she broke a world record today.

Figgy: (ALL. DAY. LONG.) MOM! Moooooooooom! Mom, mom, mom, mom, mooooom, mom, momma!

Me: (making breakfast in the kitchen) Yes, Figgy?

Figgy: *runs off, giggling*

*5 minutes later*

Figgy: MOOOOOOOOOM! Momma! Momma, come! Mom, mom, mom, mom, mom!

Me: (running out of the bathroom) What, honey? What's wrong?

Figgy: *giggles*

No complaints here, though. I waited my entire life to hear those words. (Check back with me in another week.)

How do you deal with your in-laws?

2008-11-13T13:32:00.003-05:00

I'm really at a loss, here. I think most of you that read this know the history with my in-laws. It was a year of pure hell, really, with a huge blow-up at the kid's first birthday party. My mother-in-law picked a fight with me in the cul-de-sac and I drew the line and cut off all contact. I pushed my husband to continue his relationship with them, but made it clear that, until they could respect our marriage and the fact that we are adults and make our own decisions - and until they could respect ME, then there would be no contact with myself or the kids. Several marriage counseling sessions later, my husband understood where I was coming from and we started working towards telling his parents what exactly we had issues with and working towards setting boundaries with them. In September, we agreed to meet them for dinner. At this point, it had been 9 months since we had spoken. As expected, the in-laws were defensive and immediately told us that they didn't do anything wrong and that we were blowing everything out of proportion. The only thing they admitted to being disrespectful was constantly being late. (We're not talking 15 minutes here and there, we're talking hours. On one occassion, they were 2.5 hours late for dinner.) My mother-in-law also made it very clear that I broke her heart, that she would never forgive me (touche) and that she never did and never will trust me. All of this, of course, I knew and had always told my husband. So, at the end of all of this, I agreed to give them another chance and to let them see the kids. That occurred about a month later and, true to form, they were 45 minutes late. They showed up carrying gifts for the kids and stayed about 2 hours. It was an incredibly uncomfortable situation, but I did my best. I made them come to us because I wanted it to be on our terms and to do what was best for the kids (their home, their comfort zone). It has been over a month and a half and we haven't heard from them. I should say, they live 35 minutes away. In all, my stepmom in Oregon has seen them more than they have.

To say that I am a stubborn woman is putting it mildly. When I am hurt like they hurt me, my first instinct is (and always has been) to close people off. I have no problems with shutting them out of our lives. I grew up with no contact with my grandparents and it didn't even dawn on me that other kids had regular contact with their grandparents. I grew up with an extended military family, so I have always felt like blood isn't necessarily thicker than water. My kids are surrounded by numerous people that love and support them, so I feel like they're going to be well adjusted.

With the holidays coming up, I have put my suit of armor on and readied myself. We were discluded from Easter celebrations at my husband's aunt and uncle's house because of the rift. I normally do Thanksgiving celebration at our place. This year, being pregnant and with money the way it is, I asked my husband if we could possibly just do a small Thanksgiving dinner here at the house and then, if he wanted to, we could go to his folks house for dessert. He was good with that, of course, until he spoke with his mom. Apparently, she wants us to come up for dinner so bad (not caring or having a clue how difficult it would be for us) that she told him she would cook dinner whenever we wanted her to. Now, I have been with my husband for just over five years. Not ONCE has his parents EVER been on-time with anything. A few years ago, the last time we went to there house for Thanksgiving dinner, they were (can you guess?) two hours late. I'm not about to count on them to be on-time. Not to mention the fact that there house is not at all child-proof. Hell, OUR house isn't even 100% child-proof (I can't even figure out how to do that). Add to that everything we'd have to take up there, it's insane. Baby gates, high chairs, our large diaper bag, a box of toys... She doesn't even realize how much child-proofing would need to be done just to get us through dinner time. She, of course, told my husband that they would do whatever we needed to get the house child-proofed. She's not thinking of all the things I am, obviously, because I know she'd not accept us gating off her kitchen, two sets of stairs, the dining room...then you have 10 of us in a 10x10 room? No thanks. I'm really making an effort, here, by saying we could go up for an hour or two for dessert. After everything that has happened over the course of 5 years, I need (and this was agreed to by the counselor and my husband) to make baby steps with them. Four hours over turkey dinner is NOT baby steps, in my opinion. Really, I'm feeling like I've been backed into a corner with this phone call and I'm ready to come out swinging. I don't like these people, they don't like me, and they have not made one single effort to have a relationship with our kids. THAT makes me feel like a momma bear that needs to protect her cubs. Do you know they showed up late for the birth of our twins? In the first year, they came to see them twice. It was always expected we'd come up there. With newborn twins. To their house. With all of our stuff. No phone calls to see what new milestones...and they're only 35 minutes away! No RSVP to their 1st birthday.

Ah. I have to stop. I'm making myself more upset, instead of the intended calming down. I think his parents are slowly driving a wedge between us. I think that's been his mom's intentions from day one. I've heard her negative remarks to my brother-in-law's girlfriend (one conversation AT MY BABY SHOWER was about his brother (B). She told his girlfriend, "B is a liar, he will lie to your face and you won't even know it..."). Who does that? What mother doesn't want her sons to be happy?

Bah. :(

Overheard at our house this morning.

2008-11-13T09:57:00.001-05:00

Ethan: MOM!

Me: Yes, Ethan?

Ethan: *grunting*

Me: Ethan, are you pooping?

Ethan: Huh? *grunt*

Me: Are you pooping?

Ethan: Yes.

I love my kids. LOL!

Monday

2008-11-10T21:20:00.003-05:00

Simple gratitude today...I'm grateful for any help I receive when dealing with the twins. My mom had off today so we headed to the mall (my LEAST favorite place in the world) for her to do some shopping. After a little bit of shopping, we headed down to the indoor play area. Normally, I hit this super early in the morning after a mall walking stint (before the mall opens) because there isn't anyone else there and I don't have to stress out about watching two little ones in a sea of children. Today, however, it was nearing lunch time and there must have been 50 little kids. Do you have any idea how easy it was with another set of eyes?!?! When the twins were first born, I was adamant about not accepting help because I wanted to do it all on my own and get myself into a routine. Now? Puh-lease! Help me! LOL! So, yeah. My gratitude for the day is the help I receive from family.

And a quick few pics of our leaf playing this weekend...

Sunday

2008-11-09T21:11:00.003-05:00

Is it really only 9:12?!?! It feels like midnight!

So, I have a pretty weird family layout. My folks divorced (thank you!) when I was in the 4th grade and, though it felt like the end of the world at the time, it turned out to be the best thing that could have ever happened to us. I rebelled against my mom, however, and ended up moving with my dad and his new wife for several years. Mom and I just didn't see eye to eye and had some serious issues between us. I was so blessed, however, that this wonderful woman that had been a part of my dad's life stepped up to the plate. I remember the conversation we had one evening where she sat across from me and said, "I am not here to replace your mom. We only have one mother in our lives and she loves you the best way she knows how. I am here to be whatever you want me to be and I hope that is your friend." I fought her tooth and nail for so many years. I was cruel to her. I hated her. But, you know what? She saved my life and taught me that it is possible to love someone even if they're not your biological child. Her family welcomed us with open arms, as well. It was the first time in my life that I can remember feeling unconditional love. As a matter of fact, it was one of her brothers that walked me down the aisle a few years ago (with my middle brother on the other side). She helped me to see that my own mother had made a lot of changes in her life. She forced me to open my eyes and look at her in a different light so that I was able to see that my mom had, in fact, changed. And, in return, I had to change. It took me a good 6 years to do that, but here I am. I am a better person because I have two mothers who loved me, nurtured me, and taught me the lessons of life.

Gratitude

2008-11-08T22:16:00.002-05:00

What a wonderful day we had! Elizabeth woke up at the crack of dawn, which makes me feel like I'm incredibly old because there were the days when I could party until 6 am, come home, shower and head to work for the day and still function. I was in bed by 1:00, albeit with Ethan laying next to me chatting, but sound asleep by 1:30, I think. Elizabeth woke at 7:30 and I thought I was going to die. The sleep crusties were sealing my eyes shut and I think I walked around this morning with partially open eyes. By 10:30, I loaded Ethan up in the car and headed to BJ's for diapers. Daddy and Elizabeth stayed here and took a nice walk around the neighborhood. Can I just say, though, that toting one child around while running errands is a piece of CAKE! One child? Ha!

We had good naps that lasted from about 1:20 until 3:50 and, when we woke up, my brother and sister-in-law were here with my niece. They were on the front porch, waiting for us to wake up. My brother came in briefly to get the dog and take her outside to play. Thanks, Matt! We spent an hour with the kids out front, jumping in the leaves and having fun. The neighbors came outside and by the time we left, there were 6 kids under the age of 4 playing out front. At 5:00, we headed to dinner for my mom's birthday and, much to everyone's surprise, the kids behaved wonderfully! Yay! We were home by 7:30, got the kids in the bathtub, and had them in their jammies and in bed by 8:15. Thank you, honey, for bathing them!

My gratitude today is for the beautiful weather we've been having the last few days. The temperature has been cool, yet not too cool. It allowed for a beautiful night outside last night in Annapolis. I was able to run around today in long-sleeves and jeans with my flip-flops! :) I do adore this time of year, though, when I let the dog out at night and take in the crisp fall air mixed with the scent of fireplaces in the neighborhood.

That midnight meltdown.

2008-11-08T09:45:00.002-05:00

So, that midnight meltdown that Ethan had? He was standing in his crib, hysterical and waiting for someone to open his door. The moment I picked him up, he snuggled into me and held on for dear life. As I crawled back into bed with him (I know, don't judge...I was tired), all he wanted to do was chat. The ceiling fan was on in our room and, though it was pitch black, he could see it. So, he laid there whispering, "Fan. Round, round, round, round...mommy...fan...round, round, round." I think that's all he wanted, just to make sure mommy was home and to tell me about his night. I laid there with him for about 15 minutes and Jason took him back to his room. Once there, he put up a fuss for about 5 minutes and drifted back to dreamland.

Too bad his sister doesn't get the value of sleeping in! :)

A little late...

2008-11-08T00:36:00.003-05:00

My gratitude today is for my mother. We spent many, many years estranged but after a lot of hard work, she is a major part of my life and the lives of my children. She is my best friend. She is my confidant. (I am blessed to have two mothers, by the way.) Without her, we wouldn't have a roof over our heads and the understanding of just what unconditional love and acceptance is about. She is a strong woman and I only hope to be 1/2 the woman she is someday.

I cried like a baby tonight; they were tears of joy. Jason and I were heading out the door to go to Annapolis to meet up with our dear friends at the local pub to listen to live music, something we try to do every few months. It's hard because it's a good hour and a half up there on a Friday night and traffic can be a bear. Anyway, it has been three months since our last get together. As I've mentioned the past few days, Elizabeth has been increasingly affectionate. Up until tonight, when she wanted to tell you that she loved you, she said, "I do, I do." Well, as we were heading out the door, I said, "Bye guys! I love you!" Elizabeth looked up at me and said, "Bye-bye, momma! Love you!" I started squealing and cheering and the tears just flowed. There is nothing else in this world that has ever made me feel the way I felt tonight.

It's now 12:43 in the morning and Ethan is having a midnight meltdown. I can't tell if it's because he threw his blankie out of his crib or if he can tell that I'm home. 5 more minutes and I'll go rescue him.

Good night everyone!

Struggling (and my daily gratification).

2008-11-06T20:26:00.003-05:00

I'm really struggling right now. We are so deep in a hole, financially, that we will never get out of it. And, when I say that, I truly mean it. Sure, we'll be debt free as far as credit cards and car payments in a few years, but the student loans are there for 30 years and it is impossible to meet those payments. Right now, our monthly payment is more than 50% of our monthly income. The phone is ringing off the hook from Sallie Mae. I've made small payments (huge for us, but nowhere near what they want), but it's not good enough. We've had 12 months of forbearances, total. We're entitled to 12 more. The girl that called tonight (one of 8) sent me another forbearance application. We have to pay $50 to get that taken care of. We can't continue to do this; interest racks up each month and we now owe the equivalent of a home. I lay in bed every night tossing and turning because I just don't see an end to this. I've told my husband many times that I secretly wish something awful would happen to me because they'd be so much better off without me. The life insurance would take care of it all and allow them a comfortable cushion. Obviously, I'm not talking suicide as they'd not get a penny and would be worse off. I just honestly don't see a way out of it. I am so lost and feel like I'm struggling to keep my head above the water. We're going to get to a point where they garnish our wages, I'm afraid. And, if that happens and they actually get 50%? We won't be able to raise the kids... I've talked to an attorney and it's impossible to file bankruptcy on student loans since they changed the laws a few years back. And, we don't qualify for bankruptcy on the other stuff because we aren't that much in debt. Seriously, we have one credit card and a car loan. The other two loans are medical stuff from what insurance refused to cover. It makes me sick to my stomach. :(

On a positive note, since I said I'd do it, I do have my gratitude for the day. Sorry for the bummer above, but I need a place to get it out and since I have family and close friends that read this, I know I'll have some support, which I need right now.

I dropped J off at work today and headed down I95 to Woodbridge to go to Ikea. I needed to return something for my mom and get her birthday gift (my sil and I are going in on it together because we're all poor). Well, we got there at 9:20 and they don't open their doors until 9:30. So, the kids and I ran around and wasted a few minutes until the doors opened. Turns out, they open their doors, but you can't do anything! The top floor is open, but everything we needed was on the lower level. They don't open the registers, the return/exchange section, or the lower level for shopping until 10:00! We wandered the upper level for 5 minutes and I figured I'd get the kids breakfast in the cafe. As we were wandering, I had the kids in the cart. They were in the main basket (please don't crucify me for that; they don't have larger carts and I needed a cart for the stuff I bought). In the main basket, they were both standing and holding on to the edge, facing away from me. At one point, Ellie turned to Ethan and wrapped her arms around him and said, "I do, I do!" (Ellie's way of saying, "I love you." I always say, "I love you. I do, I do.") He looked at her and gave her a big smile. :) When we got to the cafe and sat down for breakfast, she proceeded to hug me 5 different times. Several people approached us and commented on how loving she was. Each time she wrapped her arms around me, she would pat my back and say, "I do, I do."

I am the luckiest woman in the world. I am grateful that I was blessed with these two magnificent children who, despite their firey tempers and willful personalities, are simply amazing.

Stealing an idea from Lynn.

2008-11-05T13:29:00.003-05:00

After a hellish hour with the kids that left me feeling like I was going to pull their hair out, along with all of mine, I decided to steal an idea that Lynn has started. For the next 25 days, I will post a gratitude post each day. No matter what goes on in our lives, there is ALWAYS a bright spot to be thankful for. Always.

Today, I am grateful for my kind, caring husband. I have never met any man more gentle than he is. His touch, his words, his entire demeanor...he is a gentle giant with me. He will curl up in bed with me and rub my head and back until I fall asleep. He knows how much I love to have the inside of my arms touched softly. And I love that he tells me how much he loves me each and every day. We may not have money or a home of our own, but we have each other and that's all I've ever wanted.